Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

I Knew, the Way a Mother Knows January 30, 2013

It’s back. Out of the blue, for no reason, it’s back. What is “it”?, you ask? The bipolar demon my daughter fights every day.

We had a good run. It has been a nice couple of weeks. J attempted suicide right before Christmas and struggled her way through the holidays. She began intensive therapy in January, and that seemed to help some. From the second week of January until about a week ago, things were as even and normal as we have around here. I began to notice some mania last week…nothing over the top, but clear indicators.  We talked about it, she agreed and saw the signs. She even began making really good choice to counteract the mania, such as going to bed on time, eating better, exercising, and of course, taking her meds. None of it was enough.

When I found out J got her nose pierced after telling me she was going out for coffee, I knew. Deep in my heart, the way a mother knows, I knew.

She refilled the Xanax prescription, but gave it to me.  I keep the bottle hidden but give them to her when she needs help with her high levels of anxiety. She started having panic attacks yesterday. No reason, you know, that’s how those sneaky little devils are…they come out of nowhere and bite you in the ass. Today was even worse; she was at work and had multiple panic attacks,  a severe migraine, a crying jag that she couldn’t shake, and an inability to maintain. I called hubs and had him bring her some Xanax to get her through the day. Coming home was not an option for her today, so she stuck it out.

She is now asleep. I’m pretty sure that bitch Depression has her in its nasty grip. We are back on the roller coaster ride again.


15 Responses to “I Knew, the Way a Mother Knows”

  1. Alastair Says:

    “Like” isn’t the proper thing here, but I wanted you to know that I read it and I’m thinking of you all

  2. backonmyown Says:

    I’m sorry, Rainey.

  3. So sorry to hear that 😦

  4. I feel for you, and I really feel for J. What she is going through has been my existence for so long, I forget that it is foreign for others and not an easy thing to deal with.
    There is nothing good about panic attacks, but it’s nice to hear, for a change, someone who gets that there isn’t always a trigger. The doctors and therapists seem to think it’s all a matter of learning to cope with what triggers the panic, but when your entire existence is spent in varying states of anxiety…sometimes the panic just pounces from the shadows, no trigger needed.
    Your daughter is very lucky you understand as well as you do. My parents don’t get it and have never even tried, just content to label me a moody witch.
    And having seen what I have put people through, looking at it all from the other side of the glass…I know it’s not easy for you, either, and kudos to you for making the effort and being there for J.

    • rainey Says:

      I see her struggles and I don’t always handle things the best, but I do try. My mom thinks I “coddle” her too much. I think most of my family believe I should just do “tough love” and kick her out until she “acts right”. That really pisses me off! Do they REALLY think she CHOOSES to be this way?
      I would take the entire burden off of her and place it on myself if I could. Trying to be understanding is the only real thing I can do for her.
      I’m sorry you don’t have a good support group. Just know I am in your corner…from the far away Land of Blog! 🙂

  5. MBC Says:

    Wish once again I had magical words to make this shit go away. I can’t even control myself let alone phathom dealing with a child. Both mine suffer pretty good bouts of depression, but have never shown the signs of bipolar mania.
    Don’t know if this is true but I heard someone say once that we are given only what we are able to handle. You are very strong Rainey,, keep your faith. From following your blog, I think you have a lot of people who share a belief in you! MBC

  6. D.C. Says:

    I feel for you and your family. Hope she gets better soon

  7. jessedelon Says:

    I enjoy reading your blog. I am on the other side of your tale. My name starts with J and I live with my parents. I also struggle with bipolar and living independently. Your blog helps to remind me of my parents struggles with my disease. Your blog touches me deeply. The only real advice I can offer is to ride the roller coaster and not fight it. Enjoy the good times and be patient. I have made progress but in a billion tiny baby steps. It takes time.

    • rainey Says:

      It’s nice to meet you, J. Thanks for commenting and letting me know that my writing helps you in some small way. That really means a lot to me. It is hard to see a child (no matter what the age) struggle so much in life. I think if I had to pick one person on Earth to admire, I would pick my daughter. She fights every single day, as I am sure you do, to be the best she can be.
      I pray you have a good support system to help you. And you are right; the progress comes in baby steps. I enjoy every good moment we have, and I hope the good will, in the end, outweigh the bad.
      Thank you again. Your words mean a lot.

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