I did something brave today.
And I am freaking proud of myself (for a change). Remember my post “I’m Sick of Me“? I wrote it on a day when I plunged low into the depths of despair and depression. I lied to someone; someone I respect and care for tremendously..my boss…and she found out. I became trapped by the tangled lie with no way out. I respect her so much that I just wanted the earth to swallow me whole. When I looked at her I felt sick to my stomach.
Today, I finally saw her in private. I calmed myself as much as I could and went in and shut her door. I looked her in the eyes and apologized for lying. She looked surprised, but said it was fine. She did ask me why, and I told the truth. It was a stupid lie about something I forgot to do.
IT FELT SO DAMN GOOD! It was incredibly hard for me to do, but it would be harder to NOT talk to her about it. I could not let a lie hang between us, even if she forgave me. I had to face it, and I did.
I am a grown woman. I have lied before, both little white lies and bigger, more serious offenses. It is nothing new or earth-shattering. Facing up to lies is something you learn to do as a child, but it is never, ever easy to do. Lies are born out of desperation or because you are afraid the truth is too difficult for them (or yourself) to face.
Today, I was brave. I faced it head on. Now my steps are a little lighter and I feel better about myself. Did it take away the lie? No, but it is no longer looming in the front of my head, telling me what a bad person I am. I can say, “Lesson learned.” And I can be proud of me!