When is it that you become your actions? I keep trying to tell myself I am not a bad person; I am a person who sometimes makes bad choices, but that does not make me bad. But sometimes I do things, KNOWING it is a bad choice, yet I still do it. I’m not talking about eating a slice of cake that I know is bad for me; I’m talking much, much bigger than that. At what point do you just have to say, “I keep doing terrible things, even when I know I should not; therefore, I must be a bad person.”?
Every step of the way I sabotage my own happiness. WHY? Why do I do that over and over and over again? I spend money when I shouldn’t. I procrastinate until my back is against the wall. I tell lies, even though I value truth. I sabotage myself every single day with little things and big things. I’ve done this my entire life. I remember when I was about 16 my older brother told me, “You could have had everything you wanted. Why do you keep doing things to mess it up?” I DON’T KNOW WHY, brother dear, but I am still doing it!
I am so sick of me and who I have become. “Becoming who we are”…I’ve been thinking about that since yesterday. I don’t like what I am becoming…it’s getting worse and worse…I don’t know how to change it. All I seem able to do is just enough to put up a front and fake most people out. I am not a good person. I am a fake who lies. I am everything I hate. Everyday I do things that will eventually hurt those I love. This is when I wish I had enough courage to take my life. I don’t even have the guts to do that.