Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Sick of Me January 9, 2013

Filed under: about me,anxiety,crisis,depression,family,journal,life,musings,personal,random — rainey46 @ 12:39 pm

When is it that you become your actions? I keep trying to tell myself I am not a bad person; I am a person who sometimes makes bad choices, but that does not make me bad. But sometimes I do things, KNOWING it is a bad choice, yet I still do it. I’m not talking about eating a slice of cake that I know is bad for me; I’m talking much, much bigger than that. At what point do you just have to say, “I keep doing terrible things, even when I know I should not; therefore, I must be a bad person.”?

Every step of the way I sabotage my own happiness. WHY? Why do I do that over and over and over again? I spend money when I shouldn’t. I procrastinate until my back is against the wall. I tell lies, even though I value truth. I sabotage myself every single day with little things and big things. I’ve done this my entire life. I remember when I was about 16 my older brother told me, “You could have had everything you wanted. Why do you keep doing things to mess it up?” I DON’T KNOW WHY, brother dear, but I am still doing it!

I am so sick of me and who I have become. “Becoming who we are”…I’ve been thinking about that since yesterday. I don’t like what I am becoming…it’s getting worse and worse…I don’t know how to change it. All I seem able to do is just enough to put up a front and fake most people out. I am not a good person. I am a fake who lies. I am everything I hate. Everyday I do things that will eventually hurt those I love. This is when I wish I had enough courage to take my life. I don’t even have the guts to do that.

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46 Responses to “Sick of Me”

  1. Pining for Grace Says:

    Hugs…

  2. I so relate to what you’ve written here. I hope you feel better soon….xoxo

  3. We all have choices every moment of every day. Maybe you just need a bit more time to make the choices to reflect the good person you know is inside? Try defering choices till you can think. try not answering or just nodding thoughtfully or being non commital or simply saying I need to think or I don’t know right now rather than lying.
    We are all programmed this way or that, have our funny little ways of doing things. I know I have some and I am becoming aware of when I am doing it, mentally thinking oh there you go again and not letting it derail me. maybe you can too.
    Love yourself. The inner bit that worries about being a good person and work from there x

  4. […] Sick of Me, Rainey Days and Crazy Nights […]

  5. purpleowltree1234 Says:

    I think every person except perhaps people with autism, lie. It sounds like it’s time to start cleaning the windows of your soul. Time to try one thing different, more in line with what you’d respect, then when that’s working well add another different thing, etc. Maybe?
    You are under so much stress it has really been about sheer survival for quite some time. This is not a bad thing you chose: survival. It is the basis from which all other hope can stem from. Please be ever so gentle on yourself.
    A lot of people don’t have the guts to kill themselves. And by far most people reach a point where they’re so greatful they never succeeded or even tried. And out of people who do attempt, there are 18 people alive for each who dies. Life gets much harder after an attempt fails, for a while at least. It makes things deeper to climb out of. Far better to start with no attempt. Just my thoughts having tried it unsuccessfully myself…
    I value you. I value your friendship. I value that you’ve survived your life.
    I think things need to change for your ability to heal, and a lot of the change that’s needed is the stability of your environment, and that has largely to do with your daughter’s stability or living arrangements. I think any work you do on yourself is going to be 100 times harder to do while you’re loving in such instability.
    Of course there are things you can do like running away with your camera- really healthy, nurturing things. I’d strongly encourage that as often as you can do. Anything which will help you want to be alive right now. Anything which will be like a gentle watering hole for your soul and mind. You need safe places of stability and no stress. Sounds like your camera helps you create that. Embrace it. Your photos are beautiful. I see incredible beauty in them. Your part of the world is stunning, and the pictures you take have such depth of beauty.
    We all fall short with our characters, with our actions. Please be gentle on yourself.
    I admire your honesty here. It is like a watering hole to me. Thank you sincerely for sharing.
    I love you my friend Rainy. You matter. Your peace of mind matters.
    Love from Rach.

    • rainey Says:

      Rach, you are a godsend to me. Your words always help me heal in some small way. Thank you for that, dear friend. I love you and appreciate you.

      • purpleowltree1234 Says:

        I love you too Rainy and I’m so glad you’re sharing with us here.
        Love from your friend Rach.

  6. The fact that you recognize your bad choices and want to change tells me your a far better person than you realize. I’ve dealt with the same exact situation you are in right now (I posted about it here: http://ponderingspawned.com/2013/01/08/i-will-not-be-quiet/), and I can tell you that change is not as difficult as it seems when you are feeling so low. It’s like the white stripes song Little Acorns says: The problems at hand are lighter than at heart. Please do not hurt yourself, you have more to offer the world than you realize and you ARE a good person.

  7. hownottokillyourparents Says:

    You know… as strange as it may seem, sometimes we have to do the bad things to get where we need to go. I know that sounds really new-agey and crap, but I think it’s true. And it takes balls – massive brass ones – to change. The fact that you are even contemplating changing – the way you act, think, whatevs – is a big deal, and it deserves credit.

    • rainey Says:

      Thank you. Yes, change is hard. I just feel so overwhelmed by where to start, you know? But change I must.

      • hownottokillyourparents Says:

        Oh, I completely understand. Just start with something small. Teeny tiny. Once you’ve conquered that, you can go on to something bigger. And bigger. Until you’re exactly where you want to be 🙂

  8. MBC Says:

    Damn Rainey, I’m far from sick of you! Judgement is a bad thing, especially when its aimed at ourselves. I wish you would have stayed away from the dark corners. Kick that monsters ass and come back out to play as soon as you can, I’ll wait…MBC

    • rainey Says:

      Thanks, my dear friend. You know those dark corners all too well…I will feel the sun again soon, I promise, because I am a fighter. I’m not down and out yet…just down…I will see you in the sun.

      • MBC Says:

        I think you have a pretty good support system here! I’m proud to be part of it. Have lots I would love to chat with you about, but I am in my barn (I mean artist studio) working on some terra cotta. You take pictures, I play in mud. Charlottes Web, only Wilbur was much better looking than me and my tail is straight. Very happy you came out of that dark corner a bit. Lifes never ending flow loves you and is waiting for you to jump back in…..
        Chat with you soon! MBC

      • rainey Says:

        Terra cotta? Sounds like fun! I’m glad you are working on a project. That is always goof for the soul. You should post some pics of your work. I would love to see it!
        Yes, MBC I have a terrific group of friends, you included. I am one lucky girl.

  9. I think this post at least twice a week. No matter how hard I try to change and be a better version of myself…I inevitably always fail. Maybe as far as relationships go, it is self sabotage. A lot of it,though, is not. Shit happens,as they say. Part of what takes the pressure off me is to admit that I have selective morals. I can be a hypocrite, as I think every human being can be at times when lacking self awareness. None of which are fatal flaws worthy of self harm. I just try to do better every day, even if it’s by altering one little thing in my behavior.
    Lighten up on yourself, Lady. The darkness consumes, I know all too well, but you have way too much to offer. Trust me, there are far too many people out there who are-and will die-convinced there is nothing wrong with them and the world around them needs to change. Someone as self aware as you are, recognizing flaws and wanting to do something about it…You’re a gem, we need you 🙂

    • rainey Says:

      You have brought me to tears with this; you are definitely a “keeper friend”! Selective morals…that is so true of all of us, but I never thought of it like that.
      Thank you for entering my world. You, dear, are the gem.

  10. I have to make one more comment here thanking you. Your honesty has really helped me keep from getting angry with my grandmother. It reminds me that despite what she does there may still be a part of her that wants to change and recognizes her actions as wrong. I’m not comparing you to her, simply saying that your honesty has given me hope in a situation where I was losing it, thank you.

    • rainey Says:

      I am not defending your grandmother, because, from what I have read, she is in the wrong. However it is very hard for some older people to change, and even harder to admit they are wrong.
      I’m glad my honesty has helped in some way. Total honesty is a scary thing.

  11. Oh, how I wish I had some wise words for you at this moment. I’ve been there so many times myself. The anguish of knowing it was my own stupid mistake, my own choice.

    Being human is not easy. Living is not easy. Sometimes I feel like there’s a really mean group of people playing a very nasty game with us. Like they set us for complete failure and then sit back and watch us fail and laugh. Why do they make us this way and then give us those challenges they know we’re not capable of dealing with? What’s the purpose of that? This and many other questions I ask myself all the time.

    All this babbling is to say that like you, I don’t understand why I do the things I do. It’s not just you. In fact, I think it’s most of us.

    But you are NOT a bad person. You’re a loving, caring, beautiful person that has been dealt with a lot of unfairness in life. Without a manual or map or any kind of directions. And you’re trying the best you can to deal with all that.

  12. H. Stern Says:

    Ummm…. no. You’re not allowed to take your life. 1) I just found you. Guess what? There is no #2. People love you, “faults” and all. I don’t know what you think you’re doing that’s hurting others, but I believe something firmly:

    Women are programmed to think that it’s our JOB to never hurt anyone. You know who wins in that scenario? Not you. Sometimes we make decisions that hurt people, and sometimes that’s what has to happen. Not because it benefits them, but because it benefits YOU. Ok, I don’t know the specifics of your situation, or what decisions you’re talking about, but don’t put so much pressure on yourself (easier said than done). You’re human. You’re made of human bits. They make up a lovely human who needs to stick around and take it easier on herself. Maybe get a massage. Or a really good vibrator.

    I like the Rabbit. Get one with pink sparkles. They’re super pretty.

  13. S. Says:

    I love you Rainey, and would be ever so put out if you were to go away. Which is to say No, you cannot check out. After all your strength gives me strength, your struggles and triumphs show me another way. Self value is often distorted, I feel worthless more often than worth a million bucks. And you should feel rich everyday because you make us all feel like a million bucks, even when you feel worthless. You have a beautiful soul, believe that. And re-read all the comments above because I agree with them all and decided to say that I say everything they do, in short form, by telling you to go back and read the comments! 😛
    Tons of love, pretty lady.
    xooxoxoxoooooooo <– Some extra hugs for later!
    xo – S.

  14. Rose Petals on Rock Says:

    Hi I’m no expert but I read somewhere (forgot where, this is a long time ago) that a lot of people know they can do something or are near to achieving something they really “want” or “deserve” or “should have” etc and then they do something which they know will ruin their chances. Self-sabotage etc. I read that on some deep down level you probably aren’t aware of there’s a reason why you believe that if you did get that cool thing whatever it is, e.g. perfect job, perfect relationship, etc, you believe (on some deep level maybe subconscious) that something will go wrong and you will regret it. Like if its the perfect job you might believe on some level that you will mess up and get fired so its better if you never have it cause then at least you’re still in control and you didn’t get fired. Or the perfect relationship, subsonsciously might think you don’t deserve it or they guy will end up being a fraud and not so great then you get hurt or you’ll do something to mess it up or the guy will cheat on you or whatever cause you can’t really believe that anything so good can really happen for you. So best if you don’t believe it and prevent it from happening cause then you’ll never be let down by anyone else or maybe worse, you don’t trust yourself to keep that great thing and then you have to live with the knowledge that you had something great and messed up. In a way its better if you never had it; you feel bad but not as bad as if you had it for a while then lost it. I dunno if thats your case but I read that somewhere. Something like that anyway going by my memory here – not so great.

    • rainey Says:

      Rose, thank you for your insight. I think on some level I am afraid to be let down by others, but mostly I think I don’t believe I’m good enough for good things to happen to me. It becomes self-fore feeling because I don’t feel good enough, so I screw it up in some way, therefore I prove how undeserving I am!

      • Rose Petals on Rock Says:

        That’s such a shame. I’m sorry you feel like that, that you don’t deserve good things to happen to you. Is that coz you don’t think you’re a good person or did your parents tell you that or something? I think a lot of people are way hard on themselves.

      • rainey Says:

        I can be very hard on myself. There are many reasons why…too many to name here! The good news is I don’t ALWAYS feel this way.

  15. Hi.
    I just saw your post and could not believe how much what you said related to how I had lived my life, just assuming I was “Bad”. Not knowing why I said or did things that were not acceptable socially to me, to my friends and family. As long as back into my teens I was doing things that just didn’t fit in, and I couldn’t figure out why.

    I don’t know if you have considered as a possibility having Bipolar? It is what I lived with and didn’t know until a year ago.

    Aside from that, your words are honest and vulnerable and ring true to me. We all make mistakes, even your family that judges you. This is life. life is here to be experimented with, like a lab. Making mistakes is how we find out what works and what doesn’t work for us. So I would say you are using life for just that purpose.

    Also, I notice that you are asking the questions of why you are doing what you are doing. This right there is about bettering yourself and looking to move forward. Therefore, YOU ARE NOT BAD. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. Keep asking questions because that is the only way to find your answers, and the more you share on here, the more support you find.

    Keep blogging, and I’ll keep reading and believing in you. You are enough. You count. You are important.

    • rainey Says:

      Wow. Your words were very powerful, and really made me think. I think it is very likely that I am bipolar. Since you went your whole life without knowing, do you now take medication for it? If so, does it help? Thank you for your words.

      • I do take medication now, and it has made all the difference. It does help immensely.

        I went through a period (sometimes I still go through this period) of denial, in which I don’t take the medicine because I think that I can handle it on my own. Not once has that turned out well.

        If you go and get checked, you will have closure in that you will know if you are living with bipolar or not. Either way, you will be on a journey of self-discovery.

        Good luck and you are not alone.

      • rainey Says:

        Thanks. It really does help to know I am not all alone on such a strange journey.

  16. […] Sick of Me, Rainey Days and Crazy Nights […]

  17. […] I am freaking proud of myself (for a change). Remember my post “I’m Sick of Me“? I wrote in on a day when I plunged low into the depths of despair and depression. I lied to […]

  18. […] Sick of Me, Rainey Days and Crazy Nights […]

  19. sakuraandme Says:

    Hey, thanks for checking out my blog. Don’t go there… Never go there!! Speaking from experience! We all make mistakes don’t be so harsh on yourself! Nobody’s perfect. We just have learn from our mistakes. Huge hug from me to you! Night from Oz……. Paula xx


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