I’m having great difficulty staying focused lately. At work today, I would have a thought process and decide to do something, and then immediately forget what it was I intended to do. My entire body is tense; falling asleep is impossible without pharmaceutical aide. I feel like a wire stretched so tightly that one touch will cause me to break.
Why is my anxiety level so high? What has me so on edge? I don’t know, but I want it to stop. I need it to go away. There is nothing major stressing me out at the moment. J seems to have leveled out, at least for now. I enjoy these reprieves when I get them. Money (lack of) is an ongoing concern, maybe that’s it. Bills overwhelm me so much at times it causes instant suicidal thoughts. What’s my life worth? The $50,000-80,000 it would take to get me out of debt? I wish I had a way to quickly earn some money because the medical bills and college loans (still paying for J, even though I had to bring her home when bipolar raised its ugly head) have taken over my life.
All I want, all I have ever wanted, is for both of my daughters to be happy and live a decent life. For me, I want less stress and more happiness, or at least comfort, in my own life. Is that too much to hope for? Apparently so. Why does everything need to be so hard for me lately?