Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Out of Focus and Stressed Out January 4, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,anxiety,personal,random,self-harm,thoughts,work — rainey46 @ 7:07 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

 

I’m having great difficulty staying focused lately. At work today, I would have a thought process and decide to do something, and then immediately forget what it was I intended to do. My entire body is tense; falling asleep is impossible without pharmaceutical aide. I feel like a wire stretched so tightly that one touch will cause me to break.

This is a "thought bubble". It is an...

This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why is my anxiety level so high? What has me so on edge? I don’t know, but I want it to stop. I need it to go away.  There is nothing major stressing me out at the moment. J seems to have leveled out, at least for now. I enjoy these reprieves when I get them. Money (lack of) is an ongoing concern, maybe that’s it. Bills overwhelm me so much at times it causes instant suicidal thoughts. What’s my life worth? The $50,000-80,000 it would take to get me out of debt? I wish I had a way to quickly earn some money because the medical bills and college loans (still paying for J, even though I had to bring her home when bipolar raised its ugly head) have taken over my life.

 

All I want, all I have ever wanted, is for both of my daughters to be happy and live a decent life. For me, I want less stress and more happiness, or at least comfort, in my own life. Is that too much to hope for? Apparently so. Why does everything need to be so hard for me lately?

 

 

 

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12 Responses to “Out of Focus and Stressed Out”

  1. purpleowltree1234 Says:

    I hear you feeling overwhelmed and stretched to your limit. *Caring* I really am so glad you’re writing regularly again. It feels like we catch up for a cuppa every few days. 🙂
    Wishing you more rendezvous with your camera. I am speechless at your photos. So incredibly beautiful. Feed your spirit however and whenever you can.
    I often wonder how long you can keep up your stresses you live with in your daily life. I’m concerned for you.
    Safe hugs if you want, from Rach.

    • rainey Says:

      Rach, I will always take your safe hugs, my friend! With all you go through, I appreciate the time you take to visit may little world. ~Rainey xoxox

  2. morgueticiaatoms Says:

    The soon-to-be-ex-husband used to pressure me to “just be happy.”
    I told him that was never going to happen with my illness.
    My happiness is the thought of finding contentment, security, and calm in my life. It’s not joy,but it is total comfort and I want it.
    I couldn’t be happy for him and he left.
    But ya know what? I am semi-content now, in spite of all the stressors and disorders.
    So…I hear you and I empathize.

    • rainey Says:

      Contentment. THAT was the word I was searching for! Do you think the pressure the STBE (soon to be ex) put on you caused a lot of your discontent? I get that pressure from so many people; they don’t understand that I am not CHOOSING to feel like shit; it just is. I try to stay busy and not dwell on my problems, but at some point I feel that I will break…one way or the other.

      • Nicole Noir Says:

        I am pretty sure all the pressure for him was a major contributing factor. It is frustrating when someone asks ten times an hour “are you okay? what did I do?” I know it means they care, but when you have said ad nauseum, “It’s just a mood swing, let me ride it out, nothing to do with you..” and they STILL poke you with a stick…It sets me off.
        So yeah…the pressure hurt, rather than helped. Like I chose this. He kept telling me I didn’t need meds, it was all my personality. So I went off my meds and tried to work on my personality…and he left because I wasn’t on my meds.
        I often wonder if I am the mental one or if it’s the people around me.

  3. Definitely not too much to hope for, although it would seems as if life will like us to believe so a times. Le sigh

    Hugs. Hope things get better soon

  4. H. Stern Says:

    There are some debt management services. I know that’s not the point of this post, but I’ve been there. At my worst, I wondered if my family would be better off without me. Maybe I was bringing them down, and they could have some money to help pay things off. But the reality is that that’s a lie, and money will come and go. I’m working my way out of debt.

    You’ve had a lot going on. I don’t think anyone can expect you to be prancing about, farting butterflies. Maybe soothe yourself by taking more beautiful photographs? But that’s a selfish request… I ask, because I love them so much, myself. 🙂

    • rainey Says:

      Thank you for that. You nailed my thought process exactly; I often feel everyone would be better off without me. But deep in my heart, I know that is a selfish thought; I’m thinking of me, not them. As for the photographs…it does soothe me, and you like them, (thanks) so I guess I COULD go out tomorrow and have a photo-shoot….. 🙂

  5. Sorry you’re going through a rough time. Hang on. The only constant in life is change. Sending you good vibes for change in the right direction, and healing for all who need.

  6. Alastair Says:

    DO you have debt advisory companies over there? There may be free ones that help you out. It may be worth looking into

  7. rainey Says:

    Yes, debt consolidation would be a choice, but my husband refuses. I will be okay…just sometimes I gotta whine a little every now and then. :0)


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