Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Ramblings of Rainey January 2, 2013

Filed under: about me,all,musings,personal,thoughts,work — rainey46 @ 7:09 pm
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Back to the trenches today. It was nice to have some time off for the holidays, but since I enjoy having a roof over my head and food on the table I had to return to work today. It wasn’t bad, really. I enjoy working, I just don’t enjoy getting up at 5:00 am every day. I WILL go to bed early tonight!

J (my daughter) is extremely manic today. She is sometimes aggressive (not physically) toward me when she is manic, and today was no exception. I try to stay calm but I don’t always do a good job. Sometimes I just want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE! I HAD A LONG DAY, TOO! She gets loud, demanding of attention, and talks like a whirlwind. If you try to calm her or do anything else she gets angry and it just gets worse. Some days, even when she’s NOT depressed, are just hard. Many days are hard, actually.

Do you ever wish you could stop the clock and spend some time doing things you WANT or NEED to do? I would write, take photographs, draw, make jewelry, paint…anything creative! There is never enough time in the day for all I want to do. While at work today, my mind kept drifting….thinking about something I want to write, or pictures I could take. It is almost like a drug to me because it calms my nerves and makes me happy. It’s too bad I can’t retire early and create things for the rest of my life!

I realize this is a very rambling post, but my brain feels “rambly” today. (Yes, spell check told me rambly is not a word, but it fits, so it stays.) There are things I want to say, but they all feel very disconnected. I think dealing with J has set me a little lot on edge.


3 Responses to “Ramblings of Rainey”

  1. I spend pretty much every minute of my day functioning blindly and automatically, just thinking of all the things I could be doing or want to do when I get home…Of course, 99% of the time by then I have given all I have to everyone and everything else and have nothing left for myself except the overwhelming desire to slither off to bed. But the desire to create is still there, even if the time and energy aren’t. It keeps me hanging on.
    And because J’s behavior sounds so familiar to me…I am just going to tell you something you already know, just as a reminder. We are not difficult for fun, and we do not mean to make people around us miserable. Never take it personally because it rarely is.
    Be sure to take a “me” break from time to time, do something just for yourself. I find it is healthy, and my counselor assures me it is necessary. 🙂
    I will shut up now.

    • rainey Says:

      Thanks for the reminder; I do know and understand, as I suspect I am also bipolar, just a different kind than what J has. That makes it so hard on us both; we bounce off one another like ping pong balls made of atom bombs. I’m not a pile of fun to live with at times, either! It just hurts me so much because I KNOW how wonderful she really is, but she cannot see it.
      As for taking a break, I do try to because it is healthy for us both. It’s hard to step out of the “mom” roll when you have a kid (grown or not) hurting, though.
      Thanks for the comment; it is nice to have reminders from those who have been there! 🙂

  2. MBC Says:

    My day was busy and I got to the point of shut down half way through. But my day was not nearly as hard as yours. Do you get to a point where anything exterior seems abrasive and sets your triggers popping off? Try for a good nights sleep.There is always another day to put on the battle armor.

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