Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Because I Cannot Cry in the Shower, I Wallow in Self-Pity December 22, 2012

I feel like I have a hangover, but I didn’t drink. Is it possible to have some sort of post traumatic response to difficult life events? I am having difficulty doing even the most simple tasks. I feel like I am in a fog of sorts. What is happening?

Every time J tries to kill herself, or does something equally harmful to herself or those who love her, I react during the event with nerves of steel. Nothing she says or does phases me. I am grace under fire. The first few events, I fell apart as soon as it was determined that she would be okay. I would take a shower and sob until my body ran out of tears and the shower ran out of hot water. Then, after many times of crisis, I stopped crying in the shower. I went into robot mode. I continued going through the motions of showering, working, and living. Inside I was numb and cold. I didn’t mean to stop feeling, it just happened. I still stood in the shower and waited for the tears, even tried to make them happen, but they didn’t. Meanwhile, J made it through the trauma and bounced back to normal life. Inside, I seethed with anger that she was back to normal and I would never know normal again.

Today I feel drugged. Last night, J’s friends came over and they hung out and shared some much needed laughter. They were silly and funny, and I enjoyed hearing them. But I am ice inside.

I have no gifts under the tree. I just don’t care. Everyone depends on me to set the tone, the mood for everything in our lives, but I want to curl up and sleep forever. This life is too hard for me right now.

English: Shower

English: Shower (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Writing and my humor are the only things I have left. Bear with me when I wallow in self-pity, will you?

PS I still cannot find my beloved camera. I fear it is gone forever and I cannot afford another one.


9 Responses to “Because I Cannot Cry in the Shower, I Wallow in Self-Pity”

  1. Alastair Says:

    Thinking of you during this very difficult time

  2. MBC Says:

    Hope you don’t mind Rainey, I seem to be commenting all over your blog. The reaction you are having sounds very similar to when I head back into depression. I lose the ability to react with life outside my mind. A fog is a good decription. Keep asking and pondering, means your still kickin. These are tough questions, when you get to the ones like, “what is better on oatmeal, brown sugar or maple syrup?” please let me know.

    • rainey Says:

      I don’t mind your comments…They keep me engaged with at least some part of life. As for your question…DUH!!! You have to have a little of both brown sugar AND maple syrup!

      • MBC Says:

        Oh no you don’t. Suppose there was an apocalypse and there were only three things left, you, friggin oatmeal and ??????? (brown sugar or maple syrup). You must answer before the world falls off a fiscal cliff somewhere.

  3. purpleowltree1234 Says:

    *Caring* so much! ((((safe hugs)))) I am deeply sorry for your pain which is so big it’s become ice. My heart aches for you. Please keep writing to us. I care. Hugely.
    Love from your friend Rach.

  4. There is definitely a post traumatic response to difficult life events. I think I said this to you already back in the summer but I’ll say it again. We mothers very often forget (or ignore) our needs for the sake of the family. We’re always the strong ones, the rocks everybody can count on. But it’s ok to not be that rock at times. If you as a family don’t celebrate Christmas this year, that’s ok too. If you need down time, take it. There will be other Christmases. There’ll be other times to share presents, to share laughs. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t do it this year.

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