Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Steps Into the New Unknown Day December 21, 2012


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The doctor in the ER told me just how close J came to really dying this time. She took 1/2 bottle of Xanax and washed it down with Tequila. If she hadn’t started vomiting like she did, she would have died.  If she hadn’t panicked and sent us all goodbye texts, she would have died. If she hadn’t been on her side, she would have drowned in her own vomit.

The night she almost died, I never cried. The next day in the ER, I still didn’t cry. I never even felt the urge. I thought it was because I have been through this so many times that I had no tears left. I thought it was because of the antidepressants that I take.

Today, two days after the fact, I had a break down. I began violently shaking and losing focus on the world around me. Breathing became difficult. Thinking rational thoughts was impossible. After ten minutes that felt like a century, it passed. My breathing became normal and my hands stopped trembling.

Every day I wake up and wonder if this will be the day. Is this the day she kills herself? Is this the day my mind finally snaps because it cannot take another moment living like this? Is this the day hubs walks out because he cannot handle life with a bipolar daughter and batshit-crazy wife?

But every morning, as these thoughts pass through my brain, I think about the other what-ifs: What if this is a day of laughter and joy? What if this day finds J happy, but not manic? What if this day is just an average,  normal day in the life of my not-so-normal family?

This thinking allows me to swing my legs over and step into the new, unknown day.
Steps to the Unknown

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5 Responses to “Steps Into the New Unknown Day”

  1. Dorothy Says:

    All we can do is take moment by moment sometimes. When my daughter was hospitalized I remember screaming as I drove down the road after holding it together through all the meetings. Sometimes though I barely react to things and have been accused of being uncaring and non-feeling, that’s all the medications I take. The important thing is you were able to be there when needed and are aware now of what’s going on. Try not to think about what might be and deal with now. It’s enough.

  2. MBC Says:

    Hold them all in your arms. Hang on and don’t let go. I lost my wife to divorce. As you put it, she couldnt take a bat shit crazy spouse anymore. My kids both have myriads of problems that will dictate their newly adult lives. I pray suicidal tendencies do not invade either of their worlds. You and yours deserve a great life. It may be a fight, but put in your mouthpiece and swing away. I miss the joy giving Rainey and pray for your families speedy recovery.

  3. i also have a friend who has bipolar and i feel the same way for her mom who takes care of her…she often cuts herself also and it must have been difficult for her mom to go through life everyday knowing that she might lose her daughter anytime….thanks for your blog …you give inspiration and strength to caretakers of people with mental disabilities….

    • rainey Says:

      It means a lot for you to say that; thank you. My daughter has also been a cutter in the past. I hurt in my heart every day for her pain. But we have both learned to appreciate the good days when they come. I feel for your friend. If she doesn’t blog, please encourage her to do so. It has been life-saving for me to find the community of great friends here that relate and empathize with me.


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