Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Unsuccessful Suicide December 19, 2012

Various pills

Various pills (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


My daughter tried to kill herself again today. I never thought I would write that statement, but here I am. She took a bottle of pills. Again. She waited until she was at home, alone. Hubs and I were about 20 minutes away having supper at a local Mexican Restaurant. After she took them she got scared, so she started texting “goodbye” messages to all of her best friends. She sent me one, too. “I really love you and dad” it said. My phone was in my car, so I didn’t see her message until I was driving home. Along with her message was about 5 from her friends trying to make sure she was okay and that I was with her. I called her, but she didn’t answer. Next I called the friend who lives closest, Angel. Angel was already on the way over to the house to check on her. I drove like a maniac, running 80-100 all the way home.

Angel and her boyfriend got there right before me. She told them she took some pills. I was about to call 911 when J started vomiting. She was very groggy and could barely lift her head. She vomited over and over, so I felt like enough came up that she was out of danger.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t get upset. But every time this happens, another part of my heart dies.

I am just tired. We have gone through this so many times now, that I hardly feel anything. It’s just another day in my life. My daughter tried to kill herself again. She didn’t succeed. Tomorrow I will go to work. Life goes on.




57 Responses to “Unsuccessful Suicide”

  1. Love, she needs to be in a hospital, not at home. What if she hadn’t gotten scared? What if, next time, she doesn’t call or text anyone? it is certainly not your fault or responsibility, but how could you live with it? I know, because I follow your blog, that you have been through ten kinds of hell with her, but what can you do? She needs help, like, bad. Is there no place you can have her checked in?

    • rainey Says:

      Courtney, Thank you for your concern and nice words. We did go to the hospital, (see other posts) but they don’t really do much here for the mentally ill. She is better, for now at least.

      • God, that is so freaking scary. I can’t imagine…you poor thing-both of you, all of you. We love our kids so much and want only for them to grow up and be safe and okay. I will keep you in my prayers.

  2. Dorothy Says:

    I’m so sorry this happened to you all…my thoughts are with you. I hope she can get some help.

  3. Oh dear. Such a difficult situation. I can’t even begin to start imagining how you feel. That’s the only reason I would never try it myself, because of the grief I bring to my loved ones. But knowing that my son also tried a few times…. Mental illness is such a terrible thing. What it does to us and to our families… so terrible and so sad.


  4. purpleowltree1234 Says:

    huge safe hugs for you. ❤ *caring*
    I hope your daughter gets the help and compassion she is seeking. I hope you get the rest you need.
    Much love to you from your friend Rach.

  5. MBC Says:

    I don’t have the words. My heart is with you and yours.

  6. Alastair Says:

    I was about to click like to let you know that I had read this, but it isn’t one that I can like.

    I am sorry that this is happening. Especially so close to Christmas 😦

  7. lala1966 Says:

    that is a terrible thing to have on your mind all of the time. When my daughter was a teen, seh never tried or said that she wanted to but I saw things that made me scared. I remember that feeling. I was suicidal myself at the time too. I think being afraid of her doing it kind of kept me alive at the time. But to have to deal with it actually happening over and over must be draining! I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers xx

  8. ldsrr91 Says:

    Man, that is sad. Get her some help.


  9. I’m so sorry – I can’t even imagine how hard that must be. My heart is with you.

  10. bipolarmuse Says:

    My ex succeeded in killing himself but he had been trying for 11 years. His family too was immune to his attempts. I would call them to let them know he was in the hospital and they would just say Ok and have me call when he was released. It was very sad but that was the reality he had created for them all. My heart goes out to you and your family… I hope that your daughter finds the hope she needs and the “will” to live. ♥

    • rainey Says:

      Muse, I am sorry you had to go through that. It is so hard when you love someone who cannot love themselves. Thank you for your words and kindness.

  11. I cannot imagine the depth of pain or sorrow x

  12. I’m very sorry. I can’t imagine how you feel.

  13. Summer Moon Says:

    Oh Rainey, I am so sorry! This is so difficult to read, but thank you so much for sharing this with us all ’cause the world needs to see how real mental illnesses are. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your daughter and family. I send huge hugs your way. Your daughter is blessed to have a wonderful mom like you. Take care of yourself and that beautiful heart of yours!

  14. […] are finally back from the hospital. J survived this suicide attempt. (See previous post, here). We spent many hours sitting in the ER, but by the time a doctor saw her she was feeling better. […]

  15. H. Stern Says:

    I can’t even imagine. My son is 6 months old; he’s the light of my life. I would die for him. The thought of my child considering that he’s not worth living… I can’t fathom. I have no advice for you, just my absolute love. I pray to whatever G-D will listen to me, that she comes out of this, and that you can both look back on it decades from now, from a safer, happier place.

    • rainey Says:

      H, I hope so too. She looked at me with tear-filled eyes today and said, “I’m sorry. I know you didn’t sign up for this when you had me.” I replied, “Baby, I signed up for this and whatever else comes at us. You are my girl, and I will always stand by you.” But my mind drifted back to when she was a baby, so beautiful and intelligent with the whole world of possibilities ahead of her. Seeing her doubt her worth destroys me in a way I cannot describe. Hug your son tightly.

      • H. Stern Says:

        Oh man. That’s got me crying. Just… just hug your girl for me, too. Tell her… I don’t know. You tell her that this mom loves her, too. We sign up for ALL of it, and then some, because she’s completely worth it.

      • rainey Says:

        I will. Thank you. You understand things the way only a mom can.

  16. […] other that well at all. Still, it’s amazing how you can look at the things that other people go through in their lives, and somehow, completely […]

  17. Neftali Pablo Basoalto Says:

    That’s awfully powerful stuff. There is nothing so damaging as suicide. Does she know what lies behind the attempts? There is a great program in AZ called The Meadows that deals with core issues and could help her. I feel your pain.

    • rainey Says:

      I have heard of that program. We actually flew across the country and placed her in a hospital. That helped for a little while. J is bipolar, has an eating disorder, OCD, and suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. Every single day is hard, but some are better than others. I just ache for her to one day see the beautiful heart and soul she has inside. She is trying a new therapy, so I remain hopeful. Thank you so much for your comment and empathy. ~Rainey

  18. Ron Scubadiver Says:

    Sorry you have to go through this.

  19. I am so sorry for all of you. Wishing you better times xoxo

  20. I hear your sorrow, anguish, fear and fatigue. I am so sorry. Motherhood was not supposed to be like this. I will pray for your situation. Nothing easy about it.

    • rainey Says:

      You are right; nothing is easy. J asked me the other day if I wished she had never been born. I hope she understood that I never wish that; my only wish is for her to find happiness in life.

  21. gita4elamats Says:

    How sad!
    My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

  22. LensTHERAPY Says:

    The amount of pain that you go through every time must be unbearable.

  23. 1EarthUnited Says:

    Sadly, your daughter has lost her purpose in life. Try to help her reclaim it. Best wishes.

  24. RobynG Says:

    Oh my. My heart breaks for you. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.

  25. Lu Says:

    I am so deeply sorry you and your loved ones are going through this.
    Having lived with a depressed brother and a father that did commit suicide, I can begin to understand the pain and confusion you are going through.
    I was treated for depression myself as a teen – was on effexor xr for a very numb year – and the best advice I can give you is seek out a therapist. They’re not all great. You may need to try a few before you find one that clicks. But I have found a new perspective and tools to cope with feeling insignificant and out of control of my life that I believe are the most paralyzing features of depression. I ended up turning to art, where I built a sense of worth and potential.
    If you do seek out a therapist, I advise being cautious about medication – I was not warned about withdrawl from antidepressants where some people have died. I quit cold turkey which is incredibly dangerous. Also, if your daughter does see a therapist, its really hard taking that step because of the potential social stigma. Assure her she is brave and strong.
    Please feel free to write if you need someone to talk to – goodbaginc@gmail.com

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