Various pills (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
My daughter tried to kill herself again today. I never thought I would write that statement, but here I am. She took a bottle of pills. Again. She waited until she was at home, alone. Hubs and I were about 20 minutes away having supper at a local Mexican Restaurant. After she took them she got scared, so she started texting “goodbye” messages to all of her best friends. She sent me one, too. “I really love you and dad” it said. My phone was in my car, so I didn’t see her message until I was driving home. Along with her message was about 5 from her friends trying to make sure she was okay and that I was with her. I called her, but she didn’t answer. Next I called the friend who lives closest, Angel. Angel was already on the way over to the house to check on her. I drove like a maniac, running 80-100 all the way home.
Angel and her boyfriend got there right before me. She told them she took some pills. I was about to call 911 when J started vomiting. She was very groggy and could barely lift her head. She vomited over and over, so I felt like enough came up that she was out of danger.
I didn’t cry. I didn’t get upset. But every time this happens, another part of my heart dies.
I am just tired. We have gone through this so many times now, that I hardly feel anything. It’s just another day in my life. My daughter tried to kill herself again. She didn’t succeed. Tomorrow I will go to work. Life goes on.
*hugs* That is all I can say.
I accept your hugs, gratefully.
Love, she needs to be in a hospital, not at home. What if she hadn’t gotten scared? What if, next time, she doesn’t call or text anyone? it is certainly not your fault or responsibility, but how could you live with it? I know, because I follow your blog, that you have been through ten kinds of hell with her, but what can you do? She needs help, like, bad. Is there no place you can have her checked in?
Courtney, Thank you for your concern and nice words. We did go to the hospital, (see other posts) but they don’t really do much here for the mentally ill. She is better, for now at least.
God, that is so freaking scary. I can’t imagine…you poor thing-both of you, all of you. We love our kids so much and want only for them to grow up and be safe and okay. I will keep you in my prayers.
I’m so sorry this happened to you all…my thoughts are with you. I hope she can get some help.
Thank you, Dot, my dear, friend, as always.
Oh dear. Such a difficult situation. I can’t even begin to start imagining how you feel. That’s the only reason I would never try it myself, because of the grief I bring to my loved ones. But knowing that my son also tried a few times…. Mental illness is such a terrible thing. What it does to us and to our families… so terrible and so sad.
HUGS
SSG, I believe you and I could be good friends. Thank you for the compassion and understanding, from one mom to another. ❤
Big hugs to you and your daughter. And hope it all goes well with the therapy 🙂
huge safe hugs for you. ❤ *caring*
I hope your daughter gets the help and compassion she is seeking. I hope you get the rest you need.
Much love to you from your friend Rach.
My dear friend, you always have such kindness in your words. Thank you.
I don’t have the words. My heart is with you and yours.
MBC. I value your words. Thank you.
I was about to click like to let you know that I had read this, but it isn’t one that I can like.
I am sorry that this is happening. Especially so close to Christmas 😦
Oh, Alastair, you are such a sweet and loyal follower. Thank you for all you do.
that is a terrible thing to have on your mind all of the time. When my daughter was a teen, seh never tried or said that she wanted to but I saw things that made me scared. I remember that feeling. I was suicidal myself at the time too. I think being afraid of her doing it kind of kept me alive at the time. But to have to deal with it actually happening over and over must be draining! I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers xx
That’s the boat I am in. On my really bad days, when I consider my choices, I know she needs me. It helps me survive.
Man, that is sad. Get her some help.
DS
I did, but this is the road we travel.Thank you for reading and commenting.
I’m so sorry – I can’t even imagine how hard that must be. My heart is with you.
That means a lot. Thank you.
❤
My ex succeeded in killing himself but he had been trying for 11 years. His family too was immune to his attempts. I would call them to let them know he was in the hospital and they would just say Ok and have me call when he was released. It was very sad but that was the reality he had created for them all. My heart goes out to you and your family… I hope that your daughter finds the hope she needs and the “will” to live. ♥
Muse, I am sorry you had to go through that. It is so hard when you love someone who cannot love themselves. Thank you for your words and kindness.
I cannot imagine the depth of pain or sorrow x
Thank you. Knowing I have people who listen, reply, and care does help.
I’m very sorry. I can’t imagine how you feel.
Thank you, PIM. your support means the world.
Oh Rainey, I am so sorry! This is so difficult to read, but thank you so much for sharing this with us all ’cause the world needs to see how real mental illnesses are. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your daughter and family. I send huge hugs your way. Your daughter is blessed to have a wonderful mom like you. Take care of yourself and that beautiful heart of yours!
Thank you, Summer. I have missed your insight and positive words.
[…] are finally back from the hospital. J survived this suicide attempt. (See previous post, here). We spent many hours sitting in the ER, but by the time a doctor saw her she was feeling better. […]
I can’t even imagine. My son is 6 months old; he’s the light of my life. I would die for him. The thought of my child considering that he’s not worth living… I can’t fathom. I have no advice for you, just my absolute love. I pray to whatever G-D will listen to me, that she comes out of this, and that you can both look back on it decades from now, from a safer, happier place.
H, I hope so too. She looked at me with tear-filled eyes today and said, “I’m sorry. I know you didn’t sign up for this when you had me.” I replied, “Baby, I signed up for this and whatever else comes at us. You are my girl, and I will always stand by you.” But my mind drifted back to when she was a baby, so beautiful and intelligent with the whole world of possibilities ahead of her. Seeing her doubt her worth destroys me in a way I cannot describe. Hug your son tightly.
Oh man. That’s got me crying. Just… just hug your girl for me, too. Tell her… I don’t know. You tell her that this mom loves her, too. We sign up for ALL of it, and then some, because she’s completely worth it.
I will. Thank you. You understand things the way only a mom can.
[…] other that well at all. Still, it’s amazing how you can look at the things that other people go through in their lives, and somehow, completely […]
That’s awfully powerful stuff. There is nothing so damaging as suicide. Does she know what lies behind the attempts? There is a great program in AZ called The Meadows that deals with core issues and could help her. I feel your pain.
I have heard of that program. We actually flew across the country and placed her in a hospital. That helped for a little while. J is bipolar, has an eating disorder, OCD, and suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. Every single day is hard, but some are better than others. I just ache for her to one day see the beautiful heart and soul she has inside. She is trying a new therapy, so I remain hopeful. Thank you so much for your comment and empathy. ~Rainey
Sorry you have to go through this.
Thank you. Better times will happen!
I hope so.
I am so sorry for all of you. Wishing you better times xoxo
Thank you. It helps so much to hear from others! ~Rainey
I hear your sorrow, anguish, fear and fatigue. I am so sorry. Motherhood was not supposed to be like this. I will pray for your situation. Nothing easy about it.
You are right; nothing is easy. J asked me the other day if I wished she had never been born. I hope she understood that I never wish that; my only wish is for her to find happiness in life.
How sad!
My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Thank you. Every person who reaches out to me (us) here really helps. Hugs, Rainey
Hugs and love back to you!
The amount of pain that you go through every time must be unbearable.
J and I both share a great sense of humor, so that does help us. Some days are easier than others and I try to cherish the good times.
It is harder than words can describe. But I have learned to enjoy every good moment we have together.
Sadly, your daughter has lost her purpose in life. Try to help her reclaim it. Best wishes.
We work on it every single day. Thank you.
Oh my. My heart breaks for you. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you. I appreciate your comment.
I am so deeply sorry you and your loved ones are going through this.
Having lived with a depressed brother and a father that did commit suicide, I can begin to understand the pain and confusion you are going through.
I was treated for depression myself as a teen – was on effexor xr for a very numb year – and the best advice I can give you is seek out a therapist. They’re not all great. You may need to try a few before you find one that clicks. But I have found a new perspective and tools to cope with feeling insignificant and out of control of my life that I believe are the most paralyzing features of depression. I ended up turning to art, where I built a sense of worth and potential.
If you do seek out a therapist, I advise being cautious about medication – I was not warned about withdrawl from antidepressants where some people have died. I quit cold turkey which is incredibly dangerous. Also, if your daughter does see a therapist, its really hard taking that step because of the potential social stigma. Assure her she is brave and strong.
Please feel free to write if you need someone to talk to – goodbaginc@gmail.com