Today I allowed myself to go back and glance over some earlier posts. Sometimes I can do this and not be affected, and other times I can do this and it throws me into a tailspin of dark depression. I felt strong today, so I was able to step back and look without feeling the walls close in around me. One thing I noticed: I have a habit of sharing a bit of myself, then holding back and posting sillies. Toward the end of the last times I posted, there were lots and lots of sillies.
Humor (or Humour, for my far-away friends) has always been my shield of choice. I use humor to hold the demons at bay. To tell the truth, I think we all do. It makes things more bearable, don’t you think? Laughter and crying are so closely related, as both elicit from very strong emotions. How many times have you found yourself laughing, then realized you were crying, or crying until you were laughing? (Or maybe that’s just me…)
Humor is a thick layer of protection surrounding my heart. I wonder how many layers I built, and if I will ever make it through these layers. Because while they did their job and protected my heart from breaking into a million tiny pieces, these layers also prevent me from fully living and experiencing life.
What the hell am I so afraid of? What happened to make me so ashamed of who I am? Why am I so scared of finding out?
I may never know the answers.