The Lie of Time November 28, 2012
year by year and day by day
the incessant clock gobbles time
precious seconds dangle, then fall and drip
into the dark abyss of the past
hours become hazy memories
distant, dream-like thoughts
of bygone times
it is a lie, this idea of endless time
because you have it all
you have none.
Awesomely Cool November 27, 2012
Today was an awesomely cool day at work. (Yes, I am aware that “awesomely cool” is not proper english, but it fits how I feel.) I worked my butt off, but in a very productive way. By the way, I now LOVE my job; once I got the hang of it and got everything organized, I realized I could actually do this. The people I supervise are good caring people who mostly work hard and want to improve. It is my job to show them how to do the job correctly, train them in all new procedures and strategies, evaluate their job performance, and give feedback. I work longer hours and have a lot on my plate, but I love that there are so many things for me to do. I also like being needed for so many things. It’s a good feeling to know that my job really matters and I am making a difference.
Survivor November 26, 2012
Child sexual abuse effects and INFECTS too many lives. It changes the normal path of thinking when a child has to deal with the conflicting feelings that arise.
I was abused more than once. I suffered the guilt, the pain, the shame. I still feel it when it rises up in the middle of the night and threatens to choke me. It is decades later, and I still feel it.
But I survived. I am still here, and I am fighting.
Why? Because after all of this time, I am slowly beginning to think I might be worth it.
Today I allowed myself to go back and glance over some earlier posts. Sometimes I can do this and not be affected, and other times I can do this and it throws me into a tailspin of dark depression. I felt strong today, so I was able to step back and look without feeling the walls close in around me. One thing I noticed: I have a habit of sharing a bit of myself, then holding back and posting sillies. Toward the end of the last times I posted, there were lots and lots of sillies.
Humor (or Humour, for my far-away friends) has always been my shield of choice. I use humor to hold the demons at bay. To tell the truth, I think we all do. It makes things more bearable, don’t you think? Laughter and crying are so closely related, as both elicit from very strong emotions. How many times have you found yourself laughing, then realized you were crying, or crying until you were laughing? (Or maybe that’s just me…)
Humor is a thick layer of protection surrounding my heart. I wonder how many layers I built, and if I will ever make it through these layers. Because while they did their job and protected my heart from breaking into a million tiny pieces, these layers also prevent me from fully living and experiencing life.
What the hell am I so afraid of? What happened to make me so ashamed of who I am? Why am I so scared of finding out?
I may never know the answers.
The Unvarnished Truth of Me November 24, 2012
Hi again. It’s me, Rainey. I have missed your daily support and encouragement as I traverse through life, but I felt the need to pull back for a while. I could lie, and tell you I just got really busy, and things were going great, but that would wrong. You deserve better from me; you at least deserve the truth.
I stopped blogging for the same reason that I have, all of my life, suddenly stopped calling close friends. It’s the same reason I broke up with one or two of my old boyfriends. It’s also the same reason that, when I got married, I moved to a new town and recreated a brand new life, leaving behind everyone and everything I used to know and love. So here it is, the unvarnished truth of me:
You got too close. And you cared about me.
It’s what I do, you see. I run when anyone gets close enough to see the cracks in the veneer or to care about me at all. I will give you a piece of me, a glimpse inside, and then I pull back and run for the hills. I don’t mean to hurt people, but I do. I don’t know why I do this, and I don’t know how to make myself stop.
I bared more in this blog than I have ever told anyone in my entire life. Actually, I am super surprised that I let so much of my soul peek out before I ran. I guess the blog masked me enough that I felt some safety in allowing my true self to show. But I have only shown you glimpses. There is so much more, so much bad and good, ugly and light, humor and horror. So much more is hidden so deep inside I don’t even know what is in there anymore.
So. That is the true reason I have been gone for so long. I’m not sure yet if I have the courage to return, but I hope I do. I have missed you all dearly. And that is also the unvarnished truth.