Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

I am a Lying, Sarcastic, Bitch…Want to be My Friend? August 4, 2012

Who Is Wonder Woman?

Who Is Wonder Woman? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Okay, so here is my vent for the day…

I am a bitch today. At least I am a quiet bitch. Maybe a depressed bitch.

I have been very withdrawn for the past couple of days. Since returning from the beach, I haven’t gone anywhere (other than to the store to buy needed items). I also haven’t been on Facebook…mainly because I am so sick of reading about stupid American politics, Chick-fil-a christians (homophobic bastards in my opinion), and game requests for games I’ve never heard of and will never play! I have, however, continued to try to post…something…daily on my two blogs on WordPress. For some reason, that remains an important connection for me.

I think I have withdrawn because I feel depressed and angry. I am still seething over J, my daughter. (J, age 25,  has bipolar, an eating disorder, OCD, anxiety, and ADD. She is currently unable to live on her own and so lives with me and hubs). She has a STD (for the second time, mind you) and seems like it’s no big deal. She is so broke, she couldn’t even afford the doctor or the antibiotic so she borrowed the money from me. Again. I get quiet when I feel that kind of anger because I know if I let it out it only makes things worse. Being angry with someone with bipolar AND an eating disorder is tricky; you set them off and the reaction can be deadly.

I also get angry with hubs. I don’t often talk about him on here; I have very mixed feelings about him. All of the hardships I have gone through with J, I have weathered alone, I have made all the decisions, I have cried all the tears. He works. And fishes. And hides out in his garage when things get bad. After almost 30 years of marriage it seems harder now than before. I continue to hide my own mental health problems from him. Why? Because despite everything, he is my husband.  We have a long history, and he accepted me at a time when I was in a bad place. Do I see us staying together? No. He is totally unable to understand even a small part of what J goes through.  When he finds out I have the same issues and I have hidden them from him, it will be over. I am preparing myself for that. I know I will be okay alone. Being alone does not bother me. I have been dishonest with him about so many things, I know there is no going back. I am now at the point of No Return.

So how is hubs with J? He thinks she should be able to “control” her depression that puts her in bed for weeks at a time. She should “just get up and DO something”. When she is manic she spends her money frivolously, getting tattoos, taking every friend out to eat, and buying impractical gifts…BEFORE paying bills that are due. Hubs again thinks this is a character flaw that she should be able to control with will power. He met with the doctors. He has been in therapy sessions. He has heard it explained over and over again. He is one of those people who will never get it. I am a buffer between the two of them and it is HARD.

Would it be better if I just left him? I don’t have the energy. And the thought of dealing with J, who will fall apart, is draining. I also have no money whatsoever, and it takes money and a plan to leave. And I know J will go with me. I would not leave her here with him. So I will stay, at least for now, because it is all I can do.

I am also lonely. I have realized lately that I no longer have any many friends. I am very social and well-liked in my community, but I have made such a habit of protecting my heart that I don’t let myself get too close to anyone. If I feel someone getting close, I back off. I shut down. They are left wondering what they did wrong, but it’s really just me. Many years of protecting my heart  has left me protected, but lonely. I have protected myself so well, no one even knows me. So if you don’t know me, you cannot love me. Or hurt me.

Yeah, so here I am; a lonely, depressed bitch. Want to be my friend? Hahahaha  Sounds like the plot for a lame movie. Really, if you met me, I would seem upbeat and outgoing. I have a sarcastic and sharp sense of humor. I am great with animals and kids. Younger people gravitate toward me. I’m not sure why, really, but I think because I take them seriously and I listen. I’m a great listener. You would never, not in a million years, think that I had mental issues that I struggle with on a daily basis. I am very, very good at wearing a mask.

So, I am a coward. I live like I do because I don’t have the courage to let the world see ME. The REAL ME. I didn’t do it on purpose. I just kind of evolved this way by living up to expectations of others. By trying to be Wonder Woman, and Super Mom, and Super Wife, and Super Daughter, and Super Employee. It is what I thought I HAD to do, you see. So I did…for many years. I hid my mania….I was just in a ‘great mood’ or feeling ‘silly’. I also explained it away because of the drugs and alcohol, back in the day…I hid the spending…no one ever knew….When the depression hit, I was ‘sick’…had a lot of work to do (I work a lot on the computer, so I could explain sitting around as long as I had my computer)…then when J started having problems, any of my problems could be easily explained…of course I was a wreck; look what I was dealing with!!

Life sure is funny. I dislike deception, and I am the most dishonest person I know.

Oh what a tangled web we weave


13 Responses to “I am a Lying, Sarcastic, Bitch…Want to be My Friend?”

  1. purpleowltree1234 Says:

    Your honesty here is so refreshing from what we normally get from people in our circles of friends. Does it feel cathartic to write these things, like repenting almost, and being lighter? Have you thought more about talking with a therapist of your own? It is so good you’re writing here, so honestly. I’m more than happy to call you my friend.
    Love from Rach.

  2. You know what I think? I think that every one of us wears a mask- I often say what you see is what you get with me, but no…that isn’t the truth. A lot goes on behind the scenes (like at home) and beneath the surface (like within). We all have struggles with our own conflicted minds, we all have ups and downs, some of us more than others. I took a test the other day about bi-polar disease. My score was off the charts…I wasn’t a bit surprised. Am I scared? Nah. I’ve known for a long time that I am different than most of the people I know, and suspected it may be bipolar behind it for almost as long. If it is true, then I will say this-we do have choices in our behavior & know what is right & wrong in all but the gravest of illnesses. There’s a very good chance your daughter will mellow out in her 30’s. She is still very young, too. I don’t know her, of course, but I do know that I certainly used my issues (ADHD, addiction) as excuses for endless bad decisions and flaws in my character. Perhaps there is some truth to what both you and your husband believe to be true. I hope you feel better soon!

    • rainey Says:

      I agree, we all wear masks; as humans, I think we must. And I took that test too…same results….BP off the charts. It’s no surprise to me. You may be right; maybe she will mature a little. It just seems as though she is stuck right now, and has been for a few years. Thanks for your insight. It really helps to hear from others!

  3. Summer Moon Says:

    I can understand the putting on a facade. I have done it for years, and continue to. Even though I’ve tried to recently now start to allow more people in my circle of loved ones to learn about what I’m dealing with, I notice I still put on a facade. When I’m low, but still functional, I will put on a fake smile or say I’m ok, when in reality I’m not. I know it scares people, or puts them into an awkward place. Not all, but most just want to hear positive words from me, ’cause anything negative seems to make them uneasy and pushes them away. When I’m at my lowest, then I can’t hide it anymore, so then I totally isolate myself, even more so than I already do. I’m already a hermit to begin with, so to isolate even more than I do is a feat for sure. I just can’t handle life and people who don’t understand when I need them the most.

    I’m so sorry that you have such a difficult experience with your husband. It’s sad that he can’t support both you and your daughter like you need. The fact that your the buffer definitely makes your own health more stressed. I can’t imagine how hard that must be to have to be in such a position. I don’t think you’re a “bitch” for feeling and expressing things how you do. You have *every* right to be angry, hurt, upset and to feel any other feeling you do inside. To me that makes you real, and so relatable. Please know you’re not alone. I send hugs your way, and hope you are able to feel better soon. Take care, Rainey!

  4. lily Says:

    Rainey, I read this earlier and had to think about what you wrote… such a lot here. First of all, by writing all that you have written, you have let people into your world: us. Anonymous, but it’s something. Also, to me you do not sound like a *itch. You sound like you are dignified and dealing with things, many things, as best as you can.
    One thing that struck me as I read this (and venting via writing is very good sometimes so I hope you feel a little bit better…) is that if your husband “accepted you when you were in a bad place” before, how do you know he wouldn’t be accepting now? He can’t be understanding or helpful if he doesn’t even know, and then you are pulled even farther apart and are even lonelier. Being lonely when with someone is worse than being alone in many ways. Anyway, you sound very strong, loving (such a selfless loving mother!), funny, and smart. Probably your husband was attracted to all of those things. Maybe he still is? I wish you… happiness, and love. Better times and feeling better!
    With hugs and prayers, ~ Lily

  5. Funny, I’d say you’re one of the most real people I’ve known. However, I do see where you’re coming from. Oh, yes.

    Courage, my friend. Live is really testing for you, I know. Hang on to the little things to help you go through the big ones

  6. Dorothy Says:

    I know the feeling when the whole world is a lie and we all just live in a fantasy. But remember it’s a coping skill too because we put ourselves last and the family first. I know…

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