Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Back From the Beach and My Head Didn’t Explode August 2, 2012

I took a quick trip to the beach (just for one night) because I thought my head might explode if I didn’t get out of here for a while. It worked; I am back home, head still in one piece (well, that’s not really true, but it didn’t explode) and slightly refreshed. I really wanted to go somewhere (anywhere) so I could take pictures for my new photo blog I started …click here to see it….I just wanted a place to put pictures only, without any words other than titles.

The beach is my least favorite water to go to this time of year. I really like it in the off-season when it is cool and mostly deserted. But I am glad I went because I got some great pictures I will be sharing in the upcoming weeks.

Another reason I went was to get a break from J. (For new readers, she is my daughter who has an eating disorder, anxiety, bipolar, and OCD. She is 25 and unable to live alone.) She’s had some “female” issues lately. I went with her to the doctor because they found some abnormal cell growth. We went on Tuesday, and they said it was just all the new meds that she was taking. She continued to complain about how she felt and said the doctor was wrong, something else was wrong. J complains so much about health problems (and every other small thing in life) that I sometimes reach a point of needing to scream, hit her, or run away. I ran away (for a day) so I wouldn’t scream or hit her.

As I was driving to the beach, she called and dropped a bombshell. “I think I am pregnant.”

I went temporarily blind and deaf.  All I could see were colors and lights with some darkness around the edges. I could hear my blood pounding in my head. Oh, and I think I threw up just a little.

You cannot begin to imagine what her being pregnant would mean for me. For her. For any of us in this family. But mostly, for me. Damn.

She went back to the doctor and had some more tests done. Results came in today. Do you want the good news or the bad news first? I will start with the good news: SHE IS NOT PREGNANT!!!!!! I am so thankful I could cry. But….the bad news….she has a type of STD. FOR THE SECOND TIME. And, get this, it is NOT from the boyfriend she just had the big breakup with! I am so very angry with her right now. She is sleeping around, again, taking these huge risks with her life (and my life, really) and acts so damn casual about it. I  know, I know….Bipolar  manic stages can make you more promiscuous; she is a 25 year-old with a mind of her own. I know all of this, and yet I am so angry at her. She lives with me (and will forever unless she meets someone who will love her and take care of her) because she cannot live alone. Her anxiety level is too high, she has HUGE money issues, and she just cannot do it. Everything she does, or doesn’t do, affects me as well. She is extremely self-centered and loves to keep drama going on. Right now I just want to kick her in the ass for being so stupid!

Please know, I am just venting. I do not, and will not, get physical with J. I truly love my daughter more than life itself. She can be a kind, caring person. I actually enjoy spending time with her….when we are not in crisis.

I’m glad I went to the beach. It probably saved my head from exploding. I may need to go to the mountains soon…


8 Responses to “Back From the Beach and My Head Didn’t Explode”

  1. carlarenee45 Says:

    I totally understand your need to vent. I have a 25 yr old daughter who has mental/emotional issues. She was part of the reason I had a breakdown. and I have had to deal with her complaining and mood disorders though her whole life. and the promiscuous behavior and all of that. But she met a man who wanted to marry her. He has Ausberger’s syndrome. It is a disaster! Now she treats me like crap. She is very impressionable and her husband is controlling her. They will never make it. Thank God she knows that she can’t handle kids! It is hard I know, just don’t feel guilty for these feelings. You are only human.

  2. Mondrak Says:

    I feel for you. My son has Asperger’s Syndrome, and although he is only 16 at the moment, I know he will never be able to live on his own. The closest he will ever get to is sheltered accommodation. I worry about what he will be like when he starts having relationships.

    So, I can see why you needed to get away from life for a little while. I hope it all sorts out soon.

    • rainey Says:

      Thank you. It’s hard, isn’t it? When you decide to have children you know that one day they will become independent and move on because that’s the way it works. I never had an idea that it would be like this.

  3. Dorothy Says:

    Glad you took the time for you and went to the beach. I’m thinking of doing the same because I can feel the pressure building too. Your daughter sounds so much like mine: the drama, the hypochondria, the feeling like they need a pregnancy kit every time they turn around, etc. I just had her at the GYNo and am waiting on results too. I pray she has no STDs or any other life altering growths but secretly I’m sitting here waiting because someday it might be the day and no matter how much talking and advising I do, it doesn’t matter. Now I know why my mother died before my father did. I’m afraid if we started a club it would end up being an awful big one.

    • rainey Says:

      Isn’t that the truth! It did me a lot of good just to get away; you need to go, too. Our daughters rule so much of our lives, don’t they? It is so hard for me to put myself first, but every now and then we must, lest we go completely off the deep end.

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