Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Permanent State of Chaos July 30, 2012

My new job starts in just 18 days. I don’t know how I feel about it; I guess mixed feelings describes it best. Actually, I haven’t allowed myself to think about it much at all. That’s the way I handle everything that is scary or unpleasant, you see. I put it inside a little box, seal it up tightly, and shove it to a dark corner of my mind. The only time I think about these scary things is late at night when I cannot sleep. Then my mind goes to each of these little boxes (I have hundreds), pops the tape loose and throws all the scary things in one big whirling cyclone. Various items get thrown out and exposed for me to see and worry over. “Unpaid bills”  I have no money, what will I do….. “J is getting closer to the edge” I don’t know how to  help her… “Your closet is a mess” I know, I know, I just need to buckle down and clean it out… “You need to call your mom” I feel so guilty…I should call her more often…”You have a new job to get ready for” I don’t know how to begin…

My mind is in a permanent state of chaos. It is so easy to sit here and say, ” I need to do A, B, and C. If I do these things, I will have less to worry about and less stress.” But I cannot seem to be able to make myself do A, B, or C! Everything, even semi-small tasks, seems too overwhelming. I know this will pass, but it upsets me that I waste so much of my life.

I am trying to take baby steps. I went to my new job today and spent some time sorting the boxes in my office. The former employee left boxes and boxes of supplies and materials and it is my job to sort it…before I move my own belongings in. It is extremely hot here (again) today, and the air conditioner was not on, so I didn’t stay long. It felt good to have something accomplished and to get out of the house. Baby steps, right?

Now I am back home with several hours before bed. I still need to make supper (something quick and easy, I think; it’s too hot for anything elaborate), but I have time to do something else. Maybe I will call my mom just to say hello. Then, I could clean just one shelf in my closet. One shelf wouldn’t be so bad, would it? If I do that, maybe, just maybe, the chaos in my mind would not be so bad tonight.


9 Responses to “Permanent State of Chaos”

  1. purpleowltree1234 Says:

    You described this *so* well! I get this sometimes, not all the time. It is just a raging overwhelming cacophony. Wishing you *peace* for your mind when you get quiet moments. I like you idea of chipping away a little at a time. One shelf, just one. When I think of how good I’m going to feel having done just one tiny thing, that’s what ususally gets me motivated when I feel overwhelmed and suffocated with things to do which are too difficult for me.
    It kind of makes sense that your (my) mind spews out every anxiety in an overwhelming tornado when you try to relax, because you’re spending the rest of your time not thinking too much, to survive. Your mind needs its windows (or black holes) of processing time, I think.
    Anxiety is incredibly common. There are some strategies to help soothe it. A therapist can be useful wtih that. Your strategy of just baby steps, one small thing, is a good way to settle your mind a little. A sense of achievement is invaluable I think, when you’re feeling like you’re wasting your life, or not keeping up with it, when you’re not coping great. Even achievement in little things.
    Going to a job where you have to sort throguh boxes and boxes of the last person’s stuff before you can move your own stuff in, sounds weird. Not fun! :S Ugh. One step at a time, that’s all you can or need to do. Just one thing.
    I love how you write. It’s raw honesty. It’s endearing.
    Love from your friend Rach.

  2. lily Says:

    Congratulations on the new job, Rainey! Relax, baby steps are ok sometimes. Hugs, ~ Lily

  3. “The only time I think about these scary things is late at night when I cannot sleep” <== our brain is such an asshole. Why does it make us think about these things when we should be getting sleep so we can function the next day? 😦

  4. WeeGee Says:

    Baby steps are always the best way forward 🙂

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