Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Just Another Day July 25, 2012

A good friend is coming to visit today. Is it wrong that I want to call her and tell her I’m busy?  It’s not that I don’t want to see her, I actually miss her because I haven’t seen her all summer. But things have been so bad around here with J, I’m not really feeling up to having company. But I also know that is depression talking. T (my friend) always makes me laugh and I know it will be good to see her. She knows more than most about what I go through with J, so I don’t have to hide it. But she is also one of a very few who can read me well, and can see through the front I put on for most. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes not so much.

J is going to the psychiatrist in a little while, and hubs has to go to work. I will actually be alone for a bit. There is such relief in being alone. I can just be me. No questions, no problems. I can write, paint, clean, do whatever! Most people don’t like to be alone, but I love it and often crave it.

My mood today is….hmmm…unaffected. Some times my moods are very reactive to the people or situation around me. At other times, I feel like an outside observer watching things happen. That is how I feel now. J is barely functioning: not talking, not eating, extreme irritability; sometimes this sets me on edge or plunges me into deeper depression. Not today; today I am just a bystander in my life, observing with little emotional investment. Maybe this is a way I protect myself. If so, then the armour is up and ready today. If they put J in the hospital it might be the best mood to be in.


11 Responses to “Just Another Day”

  1. clownonfire Says:

    No shame in cancelling if your heart says so. Do it. But why not being honest about it?
    Le Clown

    • rainey Says:

      Le Clown,
      Very true! And with this friend I could be very honest and she would understand. I think aI’ve decided it will do me good to still see her, but explain that i also need some alone time. That, she gets,and she won’t stay too long. 🙂

  2. bpshielsy Says:

    Hope you still see your friend & it helps your mood 🙂

  3. emma Says:

    I think I’m a day behind in my reading here so I hope your day went well. I so identify with what you write and wish I gave myself the freedom to write so freely what I’m feeling. I always feel like I’m living behind a mask/persona I create for others as well. I think that’s why we crave and enjoy the alone time — because we can relax and be ourselves. The problem that presents for me is that after 60+ years of doing this I seem to have lost much of who I really am. Thus, I think, much of the depression. I’m not really happy or comfortable in either place. Wish you the best.

    • rainey Says:

      Emma, You are right, the older I get the harder it is to think about change, but it is possible, I think, at any age. And as for writing freely, it seems that I am opening up the more I write. It is a process, but this is so helpful to me; I don’t think I would stop now even if no one read and responded to what I write. I am, at this “mid” stage of my life, learning how to be me. I hope you and I will both be able to discover that it is okay to just be us. Hugs, Rainey

  4. ooooooh. I saw know how that is. It happens to me too. Quite often. Unfortunately, I find that no matter what I do, I always end up feeling bad. If I cancel, because of guilt. If I don’t cancel, because it takes SO much out of me to muster the energy to visit with someone. By the end, I’m both physically and emotionally exhausted by the effort.

    I know it’s late in the day but I hope you called your friend to say you were not feeling well and use that time for some “me time” to recharge

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