A good friend is coming to visit today. Is it wrong that I want to call her and tell her I’m busy? It’s not that I don’t want to see her, I actually miss her because I haven’t seen her all summer. But things have been so bad around here with J, I’m not really feeling up to having company. But I also know that is depression talking. T (my friend) always makes me laugh and I know it will be good to see her. She knows more than most about what I go through with J, so I don’t have to hide it. But she is also one of a very few who can read me well, and can see through the front I put on for most. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes not so much.
J is going to the psychiatrist in a little while, and hubs has to go to work. I will actually be alone for a bit. There is such relief in being alone. I can just be me. No questions, no problems. I can write, paint, clean, do whatever! Most people don’t like to be alone, but I love it and often crave it.
My mood today is….hmmm…unaffected. Some times my moods are very reactive to the people or situation around me. At other times, I feel like an outside observer watching things happen. That is how I feel now. J is barely functioning: not talking, not eating, extreme irritability; sometimes this sets me on edge or plunges me into deeper depression. Not today; today I am just a bystander in my life, observing with little emotional investment. Maybe this is a way I protect myself. If so, then the armour is up and ready today. If they put J in the hospital it might be the best mood to be in.