Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Rainey: Unedited and On the Edge of Losing It July 19, 2012

Trigger Warning: I am struggling today, and this post is my brain rambling about many things…including suicide, sexual abuse, and other things. It is NOT a cry for suicide prevention help.

***I apologize in advance for this post…it is not my usual, and it is unedited and straight from the heart. I can’t hide anymore. Many of you may not want to read.

What if I just let go? What would happen? I have held myself in check for my entire life and it is becoming harder and harder and harder. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I don’t want to be the one who fixes everything, makes it all better, handles all the problems, listens and gives sage advice. I have never allowed myself to fall apart. I cry a little, let off some steam, but never, never, never do I let go completely. I am so afraid I will not be able to come back to “normal”. When I went to the west coast to place J in a treatment program I participated in counseling sessions with her and the counselor, Navid. Navid said he had never met anyone who kept such tight control of their emotions. He kept digging and trying to get me to let go, so I finally faked it and cried a little. I have major issues that I keep under wraps because everyone, I mean EVERYONE, in my family depends on me to hold it together. I’ve watched J try to kill herself numerous times….I held it together.  S moved away…I was a rock. My husband, P, had cancer. I held it all in. Then he had a stroke. I carried on. I’m so tired. I don’t even know who I am anymore because I am so caught up in being who everyone NEEDS me to be. I am one big stupid lie. If I let it all out the madness will overtake me and life as I know it will be over. I’m beginning to think that is not a bad thing. Can I walk away from all that I have? I’m not talking material things, that doesn’t mean shit to me. I’m talking family, friends, job, my LIFE. There is no one, not one single person in my entire existence, that understands. That, I know in the very center of my being. Do you know that when I started dating my husband, P, I told him about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. He accepted me anyway, and that meant THE WORLD to me. Then, when J was in the hospital it came up in conversation and he said, “WHAT? I didn’t know that!”. All these years I felt so good knowing he accepted that part of me, and HE DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING REMEMBER OR CARE!!!! What does that say about me? I have surrounded myself with people who think they know me, who only allow themselves to see what they want to see, who think they might even love me, but they have no idea, really who or what I am because I LIE with my actions, with my words, with my smiles. There is a madness inside of me that I have hidden for so long, and it has been patient, but time is drawing near….it cannot be patient much longer. I know I have severe mental problems but I continue to function and no one even guesses anything is wrong with me. Am I that good or do people around me really not care? As long as I am there for them, right? I know you will say go to  a doctor. I have no desire to go through what J goes through, what so many of you go through,with doctors and medicines. I know I will have to before all is said and done, but procrastination is one of my biggest faults. I was supposed to go this summer, but cancelled the appointment. I know I will either kill myself or fall completely apart.  A part of me wants to just walk into the nearest mental hospital and commit myself and just let the pieces of my life fall apart. My husband will leave me, my parents and siblings will turn their backs, I will lose my job, my friends will be nonexistent…only my daughters and my dogs will stand by me. Really, that doesn’t even make me sad or upset. I just feel numb inside, and overwhelmed by what will happen. So instead of doing anything, I sit here because I feel overwhelmed at what I will do after that. What will a broken, mental, middle-aged woman with no job, no place to live, and no personal relationships do? Where will I go? How will I survive? These things keep me paralyzed. and so….I continue to live this lie. I don’t think I can hold on much longer.


16 Responses to “Rainey: Unedited and On the Edge of Losing It”

  1. *HUGS*

    That is all. Let me know when you want to talk, woman. Until then, know you are in my thoughts.

  2. Oh, Rainey!
    I am disappointed that you didn’t follow through with the doctor thing,as you could have possibly found, by now, “one person in your entire existence that understands.”
    You sound exhausted, and emotionally beaten up. Would it really hurt to seek out a place that will allow you to rest – allow you be taken care of – for a change?
    I’ve already told you what I think of the husband, and I know exactly what you mean about continuing to put self at the end of the needy line behind everyone else … but even if you were to continue to play the carer role, YOU have to be well enough to do it!
    Do you really believe that EVERYONE will reject you if you walked into a hospital? Really?
    Your job has to recognise when you are genuinely ill, so they could not just cut you loose.

    It IS very hard to allow yourself to seek help – but speaking as one who is currently in the throes of doing just that, it is so important.
    I’m now at the six month mark away from work, I am still very much in the experimenting with treatments stage – possibly far from a perfect solution – but the massive step was to reach out for the help in the first place.

    Please take that first step and seek help.
    Stop underestimating your own worth in this world !!

    • rainey Says:

      Alice, I am worried about money. The only hospital around is the one J went to a few months ago and we owe them money we dont have for that trip. I don’t know what the laws are here in the states…do they have to take me if I am sucicidal? My thoughts are spinning out of control right now. I know Im nearing a break down of sorts and I feel so lost. My new job starts in one month…will I still have a job if Im in the hospital when August 17 gets here? As for the hubs, he was once my best friend and I guess in some ways still is…but he doesnt even really know me. And he just doesnt see what he doesnt want to see. I feel stuck and dont know where to turn. It will pass though, this feeling, eventually.

  3. Bethany Says:

    Oh, Rainey. Even though my problems seem nothing compared to yours, I can understand somewhat how you feel. Even though, in truth, no one can completely understand another. Your strength is admirable; I know how it is to feel like you have no confidant or outlet. In my case, the page is my best friend most of the time. It’s especially hard when everyone around you is falling apart, but you need to remain strong for them. And they don’t return that for you.

    I’ve lifted you up in prayer already, and I’ve made a note to continue to do so. Keep on keeping on. ❤

  4. What you wrote resonates so much with me. Just a couple of days I said to myself, that’s it. I can’t do this anymore.

    And then I immediately laughed in my head. Of course I can’t do that. Who else is gonna be the rock if I give up? Then it was a manic laugh after that.

    But the truth is this: If you need to crash and burn then that’s exactly what you have to do. If you need to go to a hospital and let your life fall apart for a while, then do so. You have it in you to put yourself back together again. And who knows, maybe your new self would make more sense that the one you are now. Everybody has the right to crash and burn every now and then.

    Those you decide to not be part of your life after that, didn’t deserve to be part of it in the first place. And those who love you, will be there for you no matter what.

    • rainey Says:

      How did I know that you, my twin sister, would understand? Thanks, SSG for your words of wisdom.

      • All the best, my friend! I’ll be rooting for you whatever you decide to do. We mothers often forget we also need to take care of ourselves because we’re so busy taking care of others.

        Big HUG

  5. Dorothy Says:

    Ypu are not supposed to go throuugh anything unless you decide you want to go through it. Therapy at your age ( not a minor) is not manditory) please forgive my speling errors tonight ….if you decide you’ve had enough and want to persue some more then go for therapy/ It won’t be the same as your daughter’s because you are not the same person. My daughter and I get therapy, belivee me, it’s not the same! I’m a drunk, she’s not. we’re both bi-polar, super creative in different ways….and I lover her to death. I bet you love your daughters the same way too. Don’t end up like me, get some help before then. Love you and hugz!

  6. purpleowltree1234 Says:

    Hi Rainey Daze,
    I ache for the pain you’re feeling, and for the wedge you feel you are in supporting everyone else but not having even a place to really vent. We have just been looking for a new counsellor, and have ditched three of them because they didn’t offer us what WE need now. If you’re looking for someone to talk with you have every right to pick and choose, to decide what you will and won’t accept. I would highly recomend finding a professional you can *talk* to. Having a place to let things out can be hugely beneficial, and help you carry through the chaos and desperation. Find someone who understands your fears, who respects your choices, who respects *You*, and listens attentively and with compassion. They *are* out there! 🙂 Also, if you need support from people who will listen and not ditch you, who will care and even some who will really understand, keep writing here about what’s *really* happening for you. We are here because we *do* care and because we like you, and like reading how you genuinely are. You don’t have to be strong for us. I can’t imagine how hurtful it would have been for your husband to forget the major experience you told him about. There is nothing about that that wouldn’t hurt. Above all, as my friend Delilah says, be *gentle* on yourself. Do whatever you need to get through this as safely as possible. You matter, and your journey matters. I read on Facebook (the ultimate source of wisdom 😉 ) that you don’t lose real friends, you just find out who they are. And you might find some of your friends will care about and lie the person you *really* are inside. I know I will. I’m all for authenticity and meaning in life, which authenticity builds. *caring* Please let us know how you continue to journey.
    Love from Rach ((((safe hugs))))
    PS I Love Gotye! 🙂

    • rainey Says:

      Oh, Rach, thank you! The outpouring of support here on wp has been incredible. It is so hard for me to ask for help; my life has been about helping everyone around me. I did some research yesterday and found a few promising counselors, if I can only find the courage to pick up the phone and call. I also found a different hospital I can go to if needed; it is further away, but not out of reach. I admire the courage of each and every one of you who have taken the steps to get help. It is so hard. When my daughter needed help, ‘supermom’ stepped in and did what needed to happen. I don’t have a ‘super’ anyone, and I can’t seem to find the strength I need. I am working on it, though.
      Gotye is my newest obsession! 🙂

      • purpleowltree1234 Says:

        Hi Rainey,
        I’ve found *so* many times I am *sure* people will not handle me being depressed or falling apart, and yet some of them always do, and stick around and care and listen and show compassion. When I never expect it when I’m depressed because I’m in such a hole. There will always be someone, usually multiple people, who will stick around, and even better, there will be new ones who will give a damn and like the authentic you, no matter how little they “get” from you. Take WP as an example of how friends can surprise you. The other thing I’ve found when I’ve been real finally to people (I hid what was happening for most of my life from almost everyone, or I just never talked about it with them), is when you start sharing on an authentic level, others start doing the same back to you, and you find depth where you never realised there was depth before. And understanding. I really do care about how you are feeling and what you’re thinking, and what you need to get through this crossroads. I care that you find compassion and understanding, and you know you are not alone. Share on WP if you feel you can’t share to your friends around you in real life. We aren’t running away. 🙂 And let us know when you get the courage to call counsellors, and how they are. If you want another website to get support from, which I have an account at and keep a regular journal at, let me know and I’ll send you a link. 🙂 I’ll let you decide what you want to do to heal. It’s your journey, I’m just here to listen and to be a cheering squad when you need one. 🙂 I care.
        Love from Rach. (((safe hugs)))

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