I feel oddly calm. Maybe this is the calm before the storm, or I am in the eye of a hurricane with the worst of the storm coming my way. I have felt impending doom for several days now, and I am usually right. Do you think that those of us who suffer from various mental problems are sometimes blessed (cursed?) with some type of 6th sense? Time to batten down the hatches….it might get rough out here.
Let Summer Begin May 28, 2012
This weekend is the unofficial start of summer here in the states. Most of the people in my area flock to the beach and fire up the grill. Since I am chilling on the couch with a hurt foot, I thought I would post some shots of the beach from last summer.
Today is actually Memorial Day, a day set aside to honor our fallen military. My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones.
Hi, Honey, I’m home! 🙂 I’ve so missed blogging these last few weeks, but this is a crazy time at work for me and I am exhausted by the time I get home. To make matters worse, my home life has been hectic as well. So here is a quick update: S (my youngest daughter) graduated and moved away with her girlfriend to start her new job. I miss her everyday, but my heart swells with pride at her determination and drive. I did something right, raising that one. J, my oldest who is plagued by bipolar demons, anxiety, OCD, and an eating disorder, is adjusting to her sister’s move. She struggles with the success that S has had while she is unable to live on her own at age 25. It is hard on both of us. Try as I might, I cannot get it through my husband’s head that she is incapable of being on her own, possible forever. How does he handle it? He “jokes” constantly about her still living with her parents when she is 30 or 40 years old. This is so demeaning to her! It angers me and yet there is nothing she or I can say to make him stop.
As for me, I am having some health issue of my own right now. I have three more weeks at this job and then I will pack up to go to my new job. 🙂 So of course, I had to hurt my foot…..leaving me bed-ridden for this holiday weekend. I am in much pain, but I am more worried about getting through these next 3 weeks. Here I sit, foot propped up on pillows with my dogs by my side. I have caught up on reading and relaxing, that’s for sure!
I have missed my blogging friends. I am going to try to check in with all of my regular reads, but the medicine they have me on makes me drowsy. So if I don’t get to you, my friends, just know I will be back soon. Hugs ~Rainey
Hello! May 15, 2012
Hello, friends! I have not been posting as often as before due to heavy demands at work. Things are crazy now, but soon will be a little easier. It keeps me busy, I suppose, which is a good thing. I do wish I had more time for my creative endeavors! Soon, though, very soon, I will have more time.
These are the days
walking is impossible
and thinking is painful.
These are the days
when blinking takes effort
eating is unthinkable
and moving breaks bones.
These are the days
when I think too much
of a different kind of life
where everything is possible.
These are the days.
Here in the US it is Mother’s Day today. There are some fathers who take young children out shopping to buy the mother a heart-shaped necklace, or a family ring, or some other sentimental jewelry. In my family, we don’t buy gifts or make a big deal about it. Growing up, my girls would labor over handmade cards filled with crayon hearts and flowers. I have a keepsake box filled with these precious artifacts of a child’s unconditional love for a mother. As they got older, it became a “surprise” breakfast in bed. I would stay “asleep” in bed, becoming increasingly alarmed as I heard the banging of pans and the smell of burnt food. Eventually, the two together would crash through my bedroom door, yelling “Happy Mother’s Day” with a tray of cold overcooked eggs, burnt toast, and coffee. The coffee was always good, and I choked down the rest. I sometimes received a coupon book with my breakfast. The coupon book was a handmade booklet of “free” extra chores my girls would do for me. They always included the expiration date and this disclaimer: “This coupon cannot be used with any other coupon”. My girls love me, but they are smart. They didn’t want to spend an entire Saturday completing a booklet full of chores.
Nowadays, they give me a hug and wish me Happy Mother’s Day. Money is always an issue in my family, so I discourage them from buying gifts. Even if money wasn’t a concern for them, I wouldn’t want a gift. I am a mother because that is the path I chose in life. The gifts they have given me over the years are the only gifts I ever want. Here are just a few of the precious gifts I have received:
1. Love: When they were both born, I felt a love like no other. As infants, I could see the love as I held them close and gazed into their big, trusting eyes. As my girls grew, the love changed and expanded, but is always there, shimmering under the surface.
2. Pride: Oh, how proud I am of my children! I am proud of the way they have overcome obstacles in life. They are extraordinary humans with talents and flaws and scars, and I love them for it.
3. Friendship: This is the great gift I enjoy now that they are older; I truly enjoy being with them. We spend time together and they can make me laugh until I cry. We value humor in my family, because sometimes you have to joke and laugh about life to keep from crying.
So, you see, I have all that I need. Happy Mother’s Day, friends.
All Alone with People, Ducks, and Geese May 12, 2012
As always, when I am entering depression I need alone time. I grab my camera, jump in the car, throw in some good music, and drive. I’m not a danger, (I don’t think), but I go into a fugue state where I zone out for a while and drive by auto-pilot. When I come to, I usually find myself near water. Today was no exception.
I found myself at a small lake on the west side of a nearby town. I sat on the bench and watched the ducks, geese, and people. There was a boy, about three years old, with his grandfather who sat on the hood of the truck and ate McDonald’s. They sat together and watched the ducks while bonding over cheeseburgers and fries. Another man sat with his young son in the car. They had a snack of animal crackers and shared sippy straw juice drinks. After eating, the father carried the son to see the birds up close. The child seemed frightened of the noise the geese made, but interested in seeing them from the safety of his dad’s arms. I watched two people out in the lake fishing from a boat . They seemed content to just fish together without conversation. Maybe there was nothing to say because they just enjoyed the time together. More people stood fishing on a short pier. They, too seemed content to just be together without many words.
I feel invisible when I observe people like this. No one sees me, no one acknowledges me. I am fine with this. Where I live, I am semi-famous, well-known for my job in this small community. I like being able to fade into the background for a change.
The darkness is back. I know it is related to my daughter leaving, but it is so profound I can feel it deep in my bones. I feel brittle, as if a strong wind could blow and I would shatter into a million little pieces. I know my reaction to her moving is stronger than it should be, but knowing that doesn’t change it, it actually makes me feel worse. I hate it when people look at me and say, She’s just a few hours away. You can go see her anytime. You should be happy for her. Yes, I know these things, and I AM very happy for her; she is starting her new life. I also know that she will never come back here except to visit.
I am also filled with guilt for how I feel. Every bit of this sadness is selfish. Again, I know this, but cannot help the way I feel. S is my rock, the only one in this family I can turn to. When J feels depressed or manic and I cannot reach her, her sister could always help. I try hard not to depend on S except in emergencies because it is not fair to her. When I am upset about something, S is the logical voice of reason. J cannot handle hearing anyone’s problems, and my husband is worthless for things like that. In fact, lately he has been more of a burden than a help. I don’t know if we will survive together much longer.
So, here I am, the dark wave is rising and all I can do is wait it out and hope it passes quickly this time. Every time this happens, I wonder: will this be the one that kills me? Will this be the one that sucks me under so far that I cannot see the light anymore? Will this darkness fill me so completely this time that there is nothing left of my soul?
Being a Rebel With the Sunshine Award May 6, 2012
My very special friend, Sara, from kyllingsara, nominated me for the Sunshine Award. Sweet! She is an inspiration to me and all others. The fact that she even thinks about giving awards to others tells you what a woman she is! Like me, she is a bit of a rebel; she didn’t follow the rules on this award, and I don’t plan on it either!
I will, however, pass it on to a friend. Lily, I don’t even know if you believe in awards or care to receive them, but you are a bright spot of sunshine in my life, so to you it goes! Your blog is a wonderfully eclectic collection of pictures, poems, stories, and thoughts. I enjoy what you write, but what really makes you stand out is the wonderful comments you make. You have great insight that I value, and I am glad I met you through our posts.