Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

First Appointment? Check April 26, 2012

Well, I kept my appointment with the doctor today. It was just with my GP, not with a specialist. She listened to me and agreed that something else besides depression was going on. She did up the dosage of my anti-depressant to help me through the next month or so. She stopped short of saying it was bipolar, but wants me to see a psychiatrist and consider therapy. She didn’t have one to recommend, so I worry about finding a good one. This area is not known for great mental health support, and we have gone through hell finding any help for my daughter during the past 6 years. Hopefully I will find one that will listen to me. I am going to kept writing and keeping my mood journal until then.

I feel….anti-climatic. I guess I wanted her to give me some sort of test and say, “You have _______ wrong with you and here is the magic pill to make it all better.” Logically, of course, I KNOW this will never happen. There isn’t a definitive test for mental illness. There isn’t a magic pill. I have seen my daughter go through such incredible struggles, and I know the road is never smooth. But my life has never been smooth and sometimes I just wish I could get a little slack….Okay, I’m finished whining. I will do what I always do: put on my big girl pants and keep on going. It just seems that if I stop trying it would be so much easier.


14 Responses to “First Appointment? Check”

  1. kyllingsara Says:

    I have been looking for that pill as well. Would have been nice, right? I don’t know what to say that will be of any comfort, as words tend to seem empty when I can’t offer you a solution. When life gets particularly crappy, I write. My blog has been my sanity keeper, and I can say with great certainty that without it I would have been a raving lunatic by now. Even if I can’t do anything to make your life easier, know that I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.


  2. Dorothy Says:

    No, you write about it in your blog in your little girl pants because that’s what blogs are for. If you look at my early posts in my blog when I was flat out drunk and every other word was a swear word it was what kept me sane at the time. Bipolar, or any other disorder, is your companion that you learn to live with. The magic pill, may very well need to be a cocktail of pills but just the fact that someone listens to you and acknowledges your needs probably feels pretty good too. You may be back at the starting post but at least your ready for the race. And since you know what it’s like with your daughter don’t let it discourage you because it tends to be more difficult getting help with kids (isn’t that disgraceful?) Hang in there!

  3. bradkin Says:

    It will be okay.

  4. Never stop trying! it may seem easier at the beginning but in the end it will make things a lot more difficult

  5. S. Says:

    Hi Rainey.

    This post really spoke to me. I am fortunate that through my whole back ordeal I have had the unwavering support of my family doctor. That being said, I have been on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist for… umm… 14 months? They said because I wasn’t in crisis and threatening to take my life I wasn’t acute enough to qualify for the mood disorder/pain clinic rehab offered at my local psych hospital. (I have been on opiates for pain control for over two years. At one point I was taking over 600mg of morphine in extended release pills and supplementing that with 20mg quick acting… I am now on the pain patch, fentinyl)
    But enough about me. I am just trying to get to a place where I can say I understand and you will see that it is true, not just an empty sentiment.

    I sincerely know where you are coming from when you expressed that things have been so hard, some slack, a respite, would be appreciated. I often feel this way. If I could have just a couple of days without pain and problems cropping up it may do me a world of good. But I have to accept that this won’t happen. I think we all need to pull on our big girl pants once in a while, but this blog is not somewhere you need pants, be they big or little girl sized. I often apologize for whining in my posts, but really this is your space to whine, ramble and rage at will. If someone doesn’t like the tone of you post, they don’t have to read it.

    Please don’t stop trying. It would be easier, but then everyday would be lived in misery. I have tried the giving up thing, it just leads you to an even darker place. Give up for a day, sure. Spend the day doing only the things you want, but don’t give up completely. You will get help.

    My thoughts are with you.
    xo – S.

    • rainey Says:

      S., It is terrible that we have to wait to get the help we know we need. I am so sorry you must deal with that kind of pain. I had a good friend who had much pain, and he self-medicated….he is no longer with us. It still breaks my heart.

      I am not a quitter, but the idea is tantalizing at times, I must admit. But honestly, it is friends like you who keep me going strong when it gets bad. There are so many incredible people in the blogisphere….I never knew! This might be the world’s best kept secret! šŸ˜‰

      I wish there were something I could do to help ease your pain. Just know that my thoughts are with you as well, my friend. Hugs ~Rainey

  6. bpshielsy Says:

    Keep those big girl pants on tight to get through this period. It’ll be worth it in the end x

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