Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

The Interview March 29, 2012

I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but it does. Maybe because it really means something to me, I want it to mean something to him. We are partners, right? Through thick and thin, life and death, and all that jazz? Then why  is it that I always feel like I give more in this relationship than he does?

Here’s the thing: I have a job interview today. In fact, in a few short hours. I have done the same job for 14 years, and I am ready for a change. It is in the same field, with no increase or decrease in pay, but it is more prestigious. Just to be considered for this position is exciting. When we talked it over, at first he just said no; I will have to drive a little farther and he said gas costs too much. After a discussion he told me to “do whatever I wanted.” He wasn’t angry, he just didn’t care. That was two days ago, and we haven’t talked about it since then.

I am hurt more than angry. I have been there many times for him: through the death of his mother and father, through his cancer, and through his stroke. I have held this family together when it became clear that my oldest daughter suffered from Bipolar Disorder and an eating disorder and my youngest announced she was gay. Every single event, big and small, I have been there. I have helped him deal with whatever life has thrown our way. We have had struggles, no doubt. But I have always felt like he was my best friend, the one who would always be there for me. Has that been a lie, all these years? He has trouble with emotions, like many men. He seldom says he loves me. He never compliments me. My life revolves around his schedule most of the time. Am I just waking up? Am I expecting too much? I don’t know anymore. All I know is that each one of my friends is pulling for me, wishing me luck, and seem really excited for me. Everyone except him.

The interview is at 3:15. I have my clothes picked out, my resume in order, and references in hand. I intend to get this job, or at least give my best effort. I will let you know how it goes. As for him, I will tell him about it…if he bothers to ask. After that, who knows? Maybe it is time I make other changes in my life.


4 Responses to “The Interview”

  1. mamacravings Says:

    Good luck on your interview! I know it makes it extra difficult when things aren’t going great with the husband. I’m cheering you on! I am excited to see how the interview goes.

  2. Good luck with the interview. Let that be your focus and deal with the personal stuff later. Who knows why you did not get the support – there could be many reasons.

  3. Dorothy Says:

    Yes, good luck and keep that goal in sight. My husband had a similar personality. He did not vocalize much support and didn’t offer his opinion saying the same line, “do whatever you want”. Sometimes it seems that’s all they can muster. I can relate to your situation esp. with the bipolar
    ( myself and a daughter), the eating disorder ( a daughter), I have a bisexual daughter too and the cancer. The cancer killed my husband eight months ago. So, now he says nothing at all. I don’t have to tell you which I prefer. Life can truly suck as we face one difficulty after another and when we feel like we are dealing with it alone without the help of a partner it seems worse. I walked that path for many, many years but my husband thought I did a better job at it than he could….so he let me do it and I guess I didn’t know how to ask for help either. So, in hindsight I now realize I can’t blame him for it all. I didn’t ask for what I needed and tried to be strong. When you try to do it all, people will usually let you.
    Just my two cents for what it’s worth.

    • rainey Says:

      Wow, Dorothy, it seems that we have many things in common! I’m so sorry you lost your husband. I cannot imagine how much harder that makes it. You are right, too, because I don’t ask for help, I just do what needs to be done. I forget sometimes that not everyone will jump in and help; they assume I have it under control and so let me handle it. I would like to have more verbal support, but again, not everyone can do that.
      Thanks for your input; it helps to step back and look at the big picture. You really helped me more than you know. And about that bipolar….maybe we can talk more some time! 🙂 Until then, live one moment at a time…

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