Taking photos of the world around me is another way I make sense of things.
I am drowning in expectations. Not my expectations of myself, but the expectations that others have of me. I must play a certain role, or say or do certain things every day. When I do something out of character for me, it angers or upsets those around me. When did I become so predictable? When I cannot live up to what others want or need of me, I feel so inferior and inadequate.
What would it be like to start over? I mean, REALLY start your life from scratch? Obviously, you cannot go back in time and get a “redo”, but what would it be like to walk away from the life you have now? You would have the advantage of your present life experience. Whatever your age, you have lived and made mistakes and learned. If you could walk away from your current life, you would have all of that knowledge without the baggage of your current problems. No one would expect you to “be” something; you could wipe the slate clean and be what you choose. Would life be better, or would you fall right back into the trappings of new expectations? Is there a way to live for yourself and not hurt those around you?
Writing, composing poetry, taking photos, and creating art are the ways I make sense of my life. Today I have uploaded photos of some of the art I have created. I am an amateur, obviously, but it is a great form of therapy.
a captive prisoner in my mind
dreaming of what might have been
if the madness hadn’t taken hold
Life would be a lovely shade of normal
instead I live life in a kaleidoscope of swirls
colors that blend and shift with the wind
just when the colors begin to settle
into what I think will be normal
the colors tilt; the demons surge
my world spins out of control once again.
Vanilla World March 29, 2012
years ago i created a vanilla world
my safe zone to shelter me from the noise
But what was once warm and safe
now feels binding and tight, like a noose around my neck
The sameness of vanilla sickens me now
makes me want to splash my world with a color explosion
shake up the sameness that once felt so secure.
I don’t want to jinx it, but…..I think I nailed it! 🙂 Yay, me! I was relaxed, honest, and friendly. None of the questions they asked gave me any trouble, and I felt a good rapport with the interview team. Since I haven’t had a real interview in 15 years, I am happy! Now I wait. My name goes on the “approved” list, and I might be called by anyone in the county that needs someone for this position. How exciting and scary!
All that really matters is that I am comfortable with my decision to pursue this job. Whatever happens at this point, I did my research, conducted the interview, and set this plan in motion. I am proud that I went after something I wanted. Right now, that is enough for me. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but it does. Maybe because it really means something to me, I want it to mean something to him. We are partners, right? Through thick and thin, life and death, and all that jazz? Then why is it that I always feel like I give more in this relationship than he does?
Here’s the thing: I have a job interview today. In fact, in a few short hours. I have done the same job for 14 years, and I am ready for a change. It is in the same field, with no increase or decrease in pay, but it is more prestigious. Just to be considered for this position is exciting. When we talked it over, at first he just said no; I will have to drive a little farther and he said gas costs too much. After a discussion he told me to “do whatever I wanted.” He wasn’t angry, he just didn’t care. That was two days ago, and we haven’t talked about it since then.
I am hurt more than angry. I have been there many times for him: through the death of his mother and father, through his cancer, and through his stroke. I have held this family together when it became clear that my oldest daughter suffered from Bipolar Disorder and an eating disorder and my youngest announced she was gay. Every single event, big and small, I have been there. I have helped him deal with whatever life has thrown our way. We have had struggles, no doubt. But I have always felt like he was my best friend, the one who would always be there for me. Has that been a lie, all these years? He has trouble with emotions, like many men. He seldom says he loves me. He never compliments me. My life revolves around his schedule most of the time. Am I just waking up? Am I expecting too much? I don’t know anymore. All I know is that each one of my friends is pulling for me, wishing me luck, and seem really excited for me. Everyone except him.
The interview is at 3:15. I have my clothes picked out, my resume in order, and references in hand. I intend to get this job, or at least give my best effort. I will let you know how it goes. As for him, I will tell him about it…if he bothers to ask. After that, who knows? Maybe it is time I make other changes in my life.
One Day March 28, 2012
when will you learn
that words spoken cannot be snatched back
once the sounds erupt from your angry lips
they hang, suspended in the chilly air
finding their target deep in my heart
later when you hold me and say you are sorry
when you claim you love me more than life
the words are still there
burrowing deeper and deeper, making a hole in my heart
when will you learn
that one day the hole will grow too large
one day your words cannot harm me
one day I will be gone.
bringing a feeling of impending doom.
she peers out at the gathering clouds when
thunder rumbles and lightning splits open the sky.
the rain trickles down the cold windowpane as
hail pelts the landscape without mercy.
The clouds part like curtains on a grand stage
just as a glorious rainbow jumps across the sky.
The grand finale brings a smile to her lips as
the storm halts and the sun glimmers once again.
Your Pain March 26, 2012
if only i could take away your sorrow
i would ease your troubles
and throw your worries to the winds.
i would climb the highest mountain
to hang the moon and stars
just to see you smile.
You are my life, you are my world
and seeing your pain
shatters my heart into pieces.
but, hard as i may try
i cannot fight the demons
that exist only in your head.