Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Words to Ponder February 28, 2012

Filed under: life,living — rainey46 @ 6:15 pm
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                                                         Your childhood

was all about

skinned knees from trying new things

climbing higher and higher, until you reached the top branch

swinging the bat with all of your power, missing, and trying again

laughing a deep belly laugh while playing with a good friend

stopping in your tracks to watch a tiny ant complete an amazing feat

catching fireflies just to see the wonder of their glow

running as fast as you could because it felt so good

stopping to help someone in need because it was the right thing to do

Who says

that we should behave any differently

as an adult?

 

Looking Back February 19, 2012

Filed under: daughters,life,Poems,Sorrow,surviving,women — rainey46 @ 7:57 pm
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Looking back

~she wondered if the tough decision

she had made was best.

Looking back

~she knew, without a doubt

she had no other choice.

Looking back

~she cringed at the sickening thought

of his hands on her body.

Looking back

~she knew good fathers didn’t do

the things he did to her.

Looking back

~she felt burning, red-hot shame

pierce her heart and soul.

Looking back

~she felt no regrets as the knife

plunged repeatedly into his chest.

Looking back

~she smiled, then laughed out loud

from the bed in her tiny cell.

 

The End February 18, 2012

Filed under: crisis,life,living,love,Poems,Sorrow,surviving,women — rainey46 @ 5:15 pm
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a single tear

escapes,

slides down the landscape

of her face.

a shuddering sob

echos,

torn from deep inside

her chest.

this is the news that

shatters

her carefully constructed

world.

this is the end.

 

Drowning February 16, 2012

Filed under: life — rainey46 @ 8:31 pm
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You Again February 13, 2012

Filed under: life,living,love,Poems,women — rainey46 @ 5:17 pm
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Loving you again has brought

incredible new dimensions

into my ordinary life.

I am awake

I am alive

like I have never been before.

Having you again in my life

is like a breath of clean, fresh air

blowing against my skin.

I am  happy

I am hopeful

Once again I am a goddess.

 

Alternate Route

Filed under: life,living,love,marriage,Mid-life,Poems,women — rainey46 @ 4:57 pm
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If you could go back

and take the road not taken

would you?

could you?

Taking an alternate turn

on that meandering road

would change fate.

Would it be better?

Or would it just be

different?

 

True Love February 12, 2012

Filed under: life,living,love,women — rainey46 @ 5:13 pm
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What does it feel like to be truly, unbelievably, romantically loved by someone?

I’ll Follow You Into the Dark

I have always wanted someone to love me unconditionally. I want to be loved with the same amount of completeness that singers sing about and of which poets write. Would it become old and tiring to be loved that much? I wouldn’t mind finding out. (This, from the woman who doesn’t feel that anyone can really love her.)

Wonderful Tonight

When I listen to love songs, I always wonder if their love was real. In my mind it HAS to be; no one could make it sound so real, so arousing if it were not. I remember what it felt like to fall in love; the butterflies, the emotions that threaten to overwhelm. Mostly, I remember what it felt like to be an angel in someone’s eyes.

 

Time February 9, 2012

Filed under: life,Poems — rainey46 @ 8:18 pm
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Time drips through my outstretched fingers

like a slow gentle stream of silvery water

A single drop grows and then lingers

Before falling away, gone forever.

 

Bipolar Betty Update February 5, 2012

Bipolar Betty left us alone for a while, but she suddenly reappeared last month. For those of you who don’t know, Bipolar Betty is the name I have given to the terrible and sometimes crippling disease that takes over my daughter’s mind and soul. J is now 24 years old, and her diagnoses came 5 years ago. (Wow, that seems like a lifetime ago…)

Life had rolled on, as it does, with the usual ups and downs. J has a full-time job, and most of the time, does well. About 3 months ago, however, I began to see the signs. I cannot even explain it, but I sense when she is beginning to lose it long before anyone else notices. It’s as though I can see the cracks that begin to appear in the veneer of her smile. Our connection somehow goes beyond mother and daughter; I think we have kindred tortured souls. I suffer from depression, and at times wonder if I have some other undiagnosed disorder.

We entered the crisis zone when she appeared at my bedside late one night. She had already packed; she knew she needed to be hospitalized because she was in the grips of the deep depression and despair that makes her want to end her life. The good news is, thanks to therapy, she now recognizes the signs before she gets too lost and she is able to reach out for help. I called into work (again) and off we went. There is a decent mental hospital about an hour away and they took her right in. She stayed about a week, they changed all of her medications, and sent her back home. The next two weeks were rocky, but we got through it. As of now, the medications seem to be doing the trick.

I love that she can bounce back from these Bipolar Betty attacks, but I can’t seem to overcome the dread and the despair that I experience. I feel like my life is in ruins; I even had a suicide plan myself not long ago. I cannot afford therapy because we are in financial ruins because of her bills.  My husband and I used to be so close, but now we just seem to live in the same house. I feel like parts of me are suffocating, and I am dying piece by piece. None of the people around me have a clue to how I feel. I keep it all locked inside…I imagine little boxes of my emotions locked away in a deep, dark chamber. I do not dare to open any of these boxes because I fear the madness will grip me and I may not be able to escape. So I go on, waking up each day and doing just what I must to survive. One day soon, I hope I can wake up and live again.

 

Drowning In Your Eyes February 4, 2012

Filed under: life,living,love,Poems — rainey46 @ 6:46 pm
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Moments I  steal with you

fly by on soft angel wings.

Our eyes touch, connect

and fiery sparks explode

deep within my heart.

If I dare to look too long

I will fall deeper and deeper

into the very center of your soul.

I fear I may drown

so once again I look away.