Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes

Early Signs of Mania and Choices I Made August 6, 2012


Trigger Warning: Drug and alcohol use, abortion, and gang rape

I was sixteen years old when I first left home. (I ran away before, but the police brought me back). My mother and I  had spent the past few years butting heads and I was tired of living by her rules. The more I rebelled, the tighter she tried to hold me. By this time I had smoked weed, drank any alcohol I could get my hands on, and popped whatever pills I could find for about a year. I rebelled more and more as the memories of childhood sexual abuse came to the surface. My mother accused me of lying about it for “attention”, which just drove a bigger wedge between us. I think this was also my first instance of mania. I was wild and crazy, just a party girl looking to have a good time.

I had a friend I smoked weed with named *Greg. Greg was a sweet, quiet guy and we hit it off. A few months later, I was pregnant. Deciding to get married, we told his mom and dad. My parents? I had so much anger in me I simply told them I was getting married and leaving. Being all of sixteen years old, my dad had to go to courthouse and sign for me to get married. I still remember the anger and pain radiating from him as he stormed from the room.

We immediately moved in with Greg’s parents. We slept in his childhood room that was still decorated for the high-school senior that he was. He had a part-time mechanic’s job. I didn’t have a job, but none of this bothered me. I knew it would work out fine, and I had visions of being this great mom living this perfect life. That’s why I think I was manic during this period.

Not long after moving in, Greg’s mom talked with us. She was this uneducated little country woman, but she had a way  of talking that was very sweet and gentle. She convinced us both that having a baby at that point in our lives was a mistake. She loaned us the money and gave us the number of a clinic that performed abortions. We decided to go through with it that next week. I had not spoken to my family since I left, so I had no one to talk to about my choices other than Greg’s mom.

Again, I think I was manic throughout this entire period. Otherwise I don’t think I could have done this and survived. I always considered abortion as a woman’s option, but never, in my sixteen-year-old mind, did I think it would be an option I had to consider. So I focused on my “great life” Greg and I would have after this “procedure”.

I won’t go into details about the abortion. Just know it was horrible and something I have to live with for the rest of my life. Manic or not, I chose to go through with it.

Afterward, I felt empty, as though my soul was left behind in that clinic. This began one of the darkest periods of my young life. If I had been wild before, I was now the poster child for “Girls Gone Wild”. The drug use became worse as I grew more and more out of control. I found a job at a burger restaurant and we found a place of our own. I attended night school so I could get my high school diploma. Greg worked two jobs. Most of our money went toward rent, electricity, and alcohol, and drugs. We began selling weed to help support our habit. For months we ate egg sandwiches and whatever I could bring home from my work. Every day, I got high, drunk, or stoned on something. Every weekend, we went to wild parties thrown by his older friends.

His friends, Kevin and Robert, had their own apartment and they knew how to throw a party. We were always welcome, and at the time I thought it was because they just liked us and were such good friends. I felt the way they looked at me, but it was no different from how men always looked at me. I didn’t think much about it, really. I wore sex like a costume because it was a weapon for me, flirting shamelessly.  No one looked at me, the real me, if they were too busy looking at my body.

One night the party was wilder than usual. Some new drugs came in and they were strong. We danced and partied like always. Greg and I had no money for drugs that weekend. so Kevin and Robert gave them to us. They also kept giving Greg drinks until he was too drunk to function. They told us we could stay the night since we were too wasted to drive. We had never stayed, but we both thought it was a good idea. I remember dancing and first Kevin, then Robert, slipping me more drugs. I remember very little about the next few hours.

Around three in the morning Greg and I stumbled to the bed in the spare room. We both passed out immediately. Within twenty minutes, Kevin and Robert snuck into the room and picked me up. I remember waking up and they told me we were going to party some more. I think I passed out again, because the next thing I remember I was in a different bed and completely naked. Kevin was on top of me.

I was so stoned everything around me seem to be flashing in slow motion. I looked over Kevin’s head and saw five guys surrounding the bed. I tried to say no, but I don’t know if the word even came out of my mouth. I did push against him, but I was no match for him. When he finished, the next guy climbed on top of me. I was crying and pleading with them to let me go, but they laughed and told me “we’re just having fun” and “you know you like it”. I even yelled for Greg, but he was passed out. They didn’t let me go until they all had a turn.

Robert led me back to the spare room and put me back in bed with Greg. I cried myself to sleep.

I never told Greg or anyone else what happened that night. I was too embarrassed and thought it was my fault for being a flirt. Not long after that, Greg and I decided to go our separate ways. I continued to self-medicate for many years, trying to forget the choices I made and where those choices led me.

*All names have been changed to protect the innocent…and the guilty.

 

21 Responses to “Early Signs of Mania and Choices I Made”

  1. I can’t read some of this post because of triggers but I want to thank you for writing it :)

  2. Mondrak Says:

    For once, I am lost for words. The only thing I can say is that was incredibly brave of you to share that. I don’t know if I could have done in the same situation.

    It was not your fault. Being a flirt or not, a no means a no.

  3. carlarenee45 Says:

    wow, I’m so sorry you had such a rough situation to start adult with. Thank you for sharing and I hope it helped you to express yourself. I went through kind of a rebellion similar to that after my divorce. I was under my parents control and then my husbands and I had built up a lot of rebellion. But all I did was make mistakes. I was bipolar and didn’t know it yet. So, I was making all the wrong decisions, spending money wildly, having sex with any man or woman I wanted and trying every drug that was handed to me. I built up so many mistakes, I thought my life was destroyed. But it wasn’t. All I had to do was tell God that this is me and i can’t fix me. I said if you want me any different, you will have to do it. I really didn’t expect anything. I was brought up in a cultish religion. It was so strict and everything was wrong. So, I thought I would have to straighten my self out to get God to listen to me. But over time, He worked on me without my help and made me a new person. All those wild days were fun, but I can’t even picture myself being the way I was anymore lol. Everything has changed. I don’t let myself feel guilty for the things done in the past. They are forgiven. I hope it isn’t making you mad, me rattling on about my life. I just wanted to let you know that I went through that phase too and I came out ok! ;-)

  4. purpleowltree1234 Says:

    It was not your fault in the *least* that those boys/men took advantage of you like that. Flirting does not and should not mean you are asking for anything that doesn’t involve respect and safety. I’m *so* sorry you went through these things, and you were so awfully young too. And I’m *so* sorry you were abused as a younger child too. There is *no way* you deserved any of this.
    The abortion, I can barely imagine the pain that went along with that. I cared fro my best highschool friend at my house (and went with her to the clinic) when she had an abortion. It is a terribly alone journey, no matter how much support you have around you. I could see that much. I ache for the pain this left you with.
    So seldom few people are open about their traumas. It is an incredibly courageous step to take. It unites us all together, because I’m not much different from you and you’re not much different from me, when we can relate to parts of each other’s experiences. You feel like you are the *only* person in the world who has been in these positions, until you give the world a chance to come in and share their truths as well. By sharing this I hope you fell less alone, unconditionally loved by us who read this, and strong that you have made it through such painful events. It is secondary to you processing these things, but you will be helping a lot of other people feel less alone too.
    I wonder, what has happened to all this pain in the intervening years? Have you talked about it? Have you told a psychologist about this? Have you been heard in a safe environment? Keep writing here as much as you wish, I am completely interested in your story and not judging you at all, and I am in awe at how you survived. If this is part of your journey to letting it out, letting yourself truly be known, then this is awesome, and keep it up. Just wondering if you’ve talked with a professional about these things too. They always know exactly what aspects of trauma to work through most importantly to help you heal. Things I would miss because I’m not trained like they are.
    Be gentle on yourself. You are valuable and precious and you matter, and your pain and joy and peace matter too.
    Love from your friend Rach.

    • rainey Says:

      One other person knows this happened, but not the details. I have never talked about or allowed myself to think about what happened that night. It did feel good to let it out. Thanks for the feedback, Rach. As usual, you are a great friend.
      love, Rainey

      • Your courage is inspiring, Rainey. I have utter respect for you in sharing this and letting people in, with such vulnerability and openness. You are amazing.
        Love from Rach.

  5. mamacravings Says:

    What a beautifully brave person you are to share such a deeply personal part of your life. I read this and think of my clients who have been through similar situations. They feel like they’re alone in their hurt. Writing your story allows kids like my clients to realize that they are not alone and that there is life after such hurt.

    • rainey Says:

      That is why I chose to share. I hope at least one other person reads this and knows that there is life on the other side. Our past shapes us, but it doesn’t have to define who we are.

  6. lily Says:

    Ouch, this hurts to read; I cannot even imagine your pain, Rainey. You are unbelievably strong. Take that strength, now, and create the life you want to live, as much as you possibly can. Don’t look back, look forward. I know these things are more easily said than done; I know because I tell them to myself every day. I am giving you my pep talk but you deserve it, and encouragement, because behind all of your pain is a beautiful, loving, wonderful woman who should have a happy life. I am sending you my hopes, prayers, and whatever strength and happiness can reach you through my computer! ~ Lily

  7. No words really. Just sadness that you had to go through such horrible things. Only hugs, if wanted.
    :(

  8. WeeGee Says:

    I just want to lend some support. I’m sorry that these things happened to you and I hope thay finally writing about them has given you some strength. You are a very brave lady. xx

  9. aver1 Says:

    hey you are ok!!! you made it. those “men”(i use that term loosely) will have to repent for the crime they committed against you. today you are older and wiser with much to share. i admire your strength. i will pray for you…please keep me in your prayers also.


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